i don't know who i want to be anymore...

i dunno who i wanna be anymore. i sometimes get an image in my mind of who i wish i was, but it's never compelling enough or something. i constantly let people walk all over me too. no one ever taught me how to stand up for myself, speak my mind, defend my ideas. i can see how speech, debate, drama, etc, would be a good thing, to help you in some of those ways. most times i just sit back and let things happen, let my life be chosen for me, because that's how i was programmed. everyone always had their own plans for my life, their own ideas, their own goals. everyone always told me what to do, so i did. now that i've lost that direction, i dunno what to do anymore. how do i start my own life?

now there are no parents, no teachers, no coaches, no friends telling me what to do. everyone is just waiting to see what i will do. what a switch that is! i've always had someone else planning things for me, now i have to do it. the only thing planned for me is my teaching schedule. and it's the only thing i'm consistent at. everything i try to plan doesn't happen. maybe because no one's there to encourage me along in it, or just because i know i won't have anyone to answer to except myself. and i'm kind of a push-over really. so answering to myself is more like just being lazy. nothing really happens.

of course i've always got goals. but i let stupid things pile up and get in the way of those. then i get lazy. i sleep 9 hours a night, and still could sleep more (that's from sleeping too much), i let dishes, cleaning, laundry all pile up so that when i come home from work i think "wow, i've got so much work to do, i can't do anything." and then i'm lazy so that even that work never gets done, so that i can never get on to accomplishing any goals.

another thing i noticed is that i really wished that someone were there to encourage me along in things a little more. not that people discourage me, it's just that i'm not incredibly vocal about goals in my life unless other people ask me about them specifically. if i ask someone else about their goals, i'm super supportive of those things and often try to help them find ways to accomplish those goals. but it doesn't really seem that i get much good return for my efforts.

sometimes i really hate being raised in a christian home. not that i hate christianity, i am a christian and still go to church and enjoy it. but in many ways, i feel that i missed lots of lessons that i could have learned. i feel in many ways that the church is raising weak boys. i've always been told to turn the other cheek, to love my neighbor, etc, etc, etc. in so doing, i've never paid attention to my own wants, or desires. i'm supposed to put others before myself, hold others in higher regard than myself. i can't fight, i'm supposed to be politically correct, i'm supposed to respect everyone. well, when is any of that reciprocated? do i get respected? do people treat me the way i want to be treated? do other people follow the golden rule? do other people turn their cheeks?

see, i think part of my laziness and procrastination problem comes from this. by being taught to constantly think less of myself and more of others, i've come to definitely think less of myself. and this is in all things. how can i respect myself if i always "turn the other cheek" and let someone else always have their way? in one part of the bible, jesus tells a parable about a shrewd manager, and says that we should be shrewd as christians, like he was. but seriously, how can anyone be shrewd if we're always taught the "golden rule" and "turn the other cheek"? if we always back off, then we always will back off, at least for a good long time. if we (I) never confront anything, never even argue (good boys and girls shouldn't argue), how will i ever confront anything in life, even my own goals?

seriously, i just dunno anymore. i feel weak. and i feel in many ways that the church made me this way. i don't classify jesus as weak, though in so many of those pictures with lambs and stuff he does look like a push-over, too beautiful to get dirty and all. i just think that modern day christianity doesn't have the stomach for the way things really are in this world. they try to cover their eyes and ears and mouth. see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. and if i can't see it, or hear it, or say it, then i'm in a good way.

i dunno, not that striving for perfection isn't a good thing. sometimes it is, but sometimes there's just far too much emphasis on that perfection and on not making mistakes and on doing everything right, and on making sure everyone else is happy. well, when everyone else is happy, i'm forgetting about me. where does my life come into play? is someone else going to try and make me happy? turn their cheek to me? you've got to be kidding me! who would do such a thing? it's unheard of.

eh, i've done this one to death. i'm tired of thinking.