Recently, these past two nights, I've slept for nearly 12 hours each night, and have woken feeling less rested, and just more exhausted. Even now, as I sit here typing this thing, my eyes are drooping, slightly burning, and I'm ready to sleep, but I've only been awake for 12 hours. I was talking to one of my buddies today about teaching English here in Korea, and we both kind of agreed that teaching kids really wears on you after a while. When I have to be funny and friendly and authoritative, and tell stories, and teach, and keep kids under control for hours of every day, it really does wear on me, more than I realized at first. And since my method of income is my voice, I didn't realize at first but I get tired of using it all the time, and that even cuts into my time with my friends.
I used to be energized by being with people, but these days I find myself drained. Sometimes I even say "no" to doing things with my girlfriend and other close friends just so I can find some time to be alone. I think we all need that time to be alone, but my time is so often drowned with TV and games, and running around, and busyness that I don't even have time to be by myself, to think my own thoughts, to do my own things. If I spend all my time developing relationships with other people, but no time with myself or even God, then it's no wonder that I don't even know who I am after a while, or why I feel a certain way. Even now, my thoughts are so cluttered that I can't seem to type this in a very well organized or coherent manner, as I'm just kind of letting thoughts fly as they come. But I can say that I'm not content with where I am and with what I have (possibly because I just plain have too much and I find it hard to stay on top of things or keep things organized with more). I think possibly the best thing for me to do is to try to simplify.
Like I said before, I have so many goals and things I want to do, I want to accomplish, but often when I look at the goals, and begin to establish them as priorities, then I realize the time commitment and I begin to dread doing them because it just seems like and feels like so much. And I suppose in many ways, it is just so much. I want to do TaeKwonDo, run, stretch, run a marathon, bike, bodybuild, strength train, do a Men's Health workout, play sports, soccer, etc, and that's just the physical stuff I want to do. I also want to learn things, and do things, to learn and then to create. I want to paint, draw, read, study Korean, study the Bible, study other things, etc, etc. But of course when I add all these things up, it's far too much. Perhaps it's living in Korea (maybe America is the same these days too), but too many things doesn't make me more productive or capable, it just makes me less productive, and more stressed. I need to simplify.
The new work place is fairly nice, because I've learned to manage time a little and do things that need to be done every day before leaving work. I'm never content to leave things undone at work to worry about later while I'm at home, so I really ought to take the same approach to life. Why should I leave things undone at home, only so that I'll worry about them later during my day or with my time spent with other people? Arragh, it just seems like so many things need to get done that I spend more time arguing with myself over priorities and "what can wait" than I do with actually accomplishing any tasks. Doing things on the computer is easier too, because it's much easier to do "virtual work" on the computer than actually picking up my body to move and to accomplish housekeeping tasks. Plus, I enjoy working on the computer and I can watch TV/movies when I do it. (Perhaps it is the ease of use and the distractions that I incorporate into computer "work" that really makes me want to do more computer work instead of "real" work). Additionally, it is so much easier to learn concepts of health and exercise and read and understand all the ways my body could and should function than to actually go out and see for myself, and force my body to work like that, to adapt to the new work I'm giving it. "Virtual work" is so much easier and more convenient, and though I have no tangible rewards, my mind can fool myself into enjoying "virtual rewards" such as a better understanding of how things work and an ability to "give advice" even though I've never physically experienced those things myself.
What is this digital age coming to? In an age with more and more convenient technology and more and more things at my fingertips, more things to experience, more things to try, and supposedly more free-time to pursue those things, to experience new things, and follow my dreams, it seems that I'm only getting busier, not less busy, and rather than experiencing things, it seems that I'm content to only read about them, and enjoy them "virtually." What's wrong with this picture? If I am supposed to have more time, why don't I? If I'm supposed to have more opportunities and experiences, why don't I do those things? Why am I content to let media keep me busy on a virtual level? I should be out in the sun enjoying life in a realistic level. And all this coming from an "ex-gamer" who spends now less than 2 hours per week gaming. I can't imagine what I would be like if I let even more of my time be consumed by games. But I suppose that the "emptiness-filler" TV is what now sucks up my time. Even though I say I'm productive on the computer and in my house when I'm watching TV, the truth is that I'm really not.
I pride myself on being able to "get in the zone" on rare occasions and to accomplish huge amounts of tasks when I'm "in the zone." This can happen often if I'm working on a computer project of some kind that I get to test and check out what it looks like as I'm going. If only my house could be that way. I need to find some way to "get in the zone" when I'm at home, house cleaning, or studying, but so often it feels like some of the things I do, set out to do, want to do, just have no end in sight. If I do start studying Korean, where is the end? When do I know I've accomplished something? What about lifting, Men's Health, bodybuilding? I like to see some kind of progress in a relatively short amount of time so that I'm motivated to continue along that course of action. If I could get "in the zone" at home, or in the gym, like I can more often when I'm at work or on the computer, then imagine the things I could accomplish. I guess a lot of it comes down to plain old focus. And that is what I intend to read about a little bit tomorrow.
