you rack disciprine...

Busyness, and "Virtual Work"

2008-03-17T00:14:00.003+09:00

I've not written in this blog for ages, but it seems likely time to start up again. Spring is here, well, just around the corner, and I'm definitely ready for it. It's time for a change, something new, different, exciting, I suppose. I have plenty of plans, things I'd like to see accomplished this year/spring, longer reaching goals, financial goals, etc, etc. Problem is, do I just have too many of them?

Recently, these past two nights, I've slept for nearly 12 hours each night, and have woken feeling less rested, and just more exhausted. Even now, as I sit here typing this thing, my eyes are drooping, slightly burning, and I'm ready to sleep, but I've only been awake for 12 hours. I was talking to one of my buddies today about teaching English here in Korea, and we both kind of agreed that teaching kids really wears on you after a while. When I have to be funny and friendly and authoritative, and tell stories, and teach, and keep kids under control for hours of every day, it really does wear on me, more than I realized at first. And since my method of income is my voice, I didn't realize at first but I get tired of using it all the time, and that even cuts into my time with my friends.

I used to be energized by being with people, but these days I find myself drained. Sometimes I even say "no" to doing things with my girlfriend and other close friends just so I can find some time to be alone. I think we all need that time to be alone, but my time is so often drowned with TV and games, and running around, and busyness that I don't even have time to be by myself, to think my own thoughts, to do my own things. If I spend all my time developing relationships with other people, but no time with myself or even God, then it's no wonder that I don't even know who I am after a while, or why I feel a certain way. Even now, my thoughts are so cluttered that I can't seem to type this in a very well organized or coherent manner, as I'm just kind of letting thoughts fly as they come. But I can say that I'm not content with where I am and with what I have (possibly because I just plain have too much and I find it hard to stay on top of things or keep things organized with more). I think possibly the best thing for me to do is to try to simplify.

Like I said before, I have so many goals and things I want to do, I want to accomplish, but often when I look at the goals, and begin to establish them as priorities, then I realize the time commitment and I begin to dread doing them because it just seems like and feels like so much. And I suppose in many ways, it is just so much. I want to do TaeKwonDo, run, stretch, run a marathon, bike, bodybuild, strength train, do a Men's Health workout, play sports, soccer, etc, and that's just the physical stuff I want to do. I also want to learn things, and do things, to learn and then to create. I want to paint, draw, read, study Korean, study the Bible, study other things, etc, etc. But of course when I add all these things up, it's far too much. Perhaps it's living in Korea (maybe America is the same these days too), but too many things doesn't make me more productive or capable, it just makes me less productive, and more stressed. I need to simplify.

The new work place is fairly nice, because I've learned to manage time a little and do things that need to be done every day before leaving work. I'm never content to leave things undone at work to worry about later while I'm at home, so I really ought to take the same approach to life. Why should I leave things undone at home, only so that I'll worry about them later during my day or with my time spent with other people? Arragh, it just seems like so many things need to get done that I spend more time arguing with myself over priorities and "what can wait" than I do with actually accomplishing any tasks. Doing things on the computer is easier too, because it's much easier to do "virtual work" on the computer than actually picking up my body to move and to accomplish housekeeping tasks. Plus, I enjoy working on the computer and I can watch TV/movies when I do it. (Perhaps it is the ease of use and the distractions that I incorporate into computer "work" that really makes me want to do more computer work instead of "real" work). Additionally, it is so much easier to learn concepts of health and exercise and read and understand all the ways my body could and should function than to actually go out and see for myself, and force my body to work like that, to adapt to the new work I'm giving it. "Virtual work" is so much easier and more convenient, and though I have no tangible rewards, my mind can fool myself into enjoying "virtual rewards" such as a better understanding of how things work and an ability to "give advice" even though I've never physically experienced those things myself.

What is this digital age coming to? In an age with more and more convenient technology and more and more things at my fingertips, more things to experience, more things to try, and supposedly more free-time to pursue those things, to experience new things, and follow my dreams, it seems that I'm only getting busier, not less busy, and rather than experiencing things, it seems that I'm content to only read about them, and enjoy them "virtually." What's wrong with this picture? If I am supposed to have more time, why don't I? If I'm supposed to have more opportunities and experiences, why don't I do those things? Why am I content to let media keep me busy on a virtual level? I should be out in the sun enjoying life in a realistic level. And all this coming from an "ex-gamer" who spends now less than 2 hours per week gaming. I can't imagine what I would be like if I let even more of my time be consumed by games. But I suppose that the "emptiness-filler" TV is what now sucks up my time. Even though I say I'm productive on the computer and in my house when I'm watching TV, the truth is that I'm really not.

I pride myself on being able to "get in the zone" on rare occasions and to accomplish huge amounts of tasks when I'm "in the zone." This can happen often if I'm working on a computer project of some kind that I get to test and check out what it looks like as I'm going. If only my house could be that way. I need to find some way to "get in the zone" when I'm at home, house cleaning, or studying, but so often it feels like some of the things I do, set out to do, want to do, just have no end in sight. If I do start studying Korean, where is the end? When do I know I've accomplished something? What about lifting, Men's Health, bodybuilding? I like to see some kind of progress in a relatively short amount of time so that I'm motivated to continue along that course of action. If I could get "in the zone" at home, or in the gym, like I can more often when I'm at work or on the computer, then imagine the things I could accomplish. I guess a lot of it comes down to plain old focus. And that is what I intend to read about a little bit tomorrow.

Hydrate!

2007-07-12T15:39:00.000+09:00

Who knew the importance of adequate hydration? I didn't until only very recently (as in one hour ago). The last few days I've been dragging, feeling incredibly lazy, worn out, even down in the dumps, and just like I didn't want to do anything. I've had minor headaches, felt slightly sick to my stomach, and been angry at everything, even letting it come through in my conversations with my brother, a Japanese friend, and the children I teach and co-workers.

This morning I was really dragging, woke up late, missed breakfast, was late for work, had children calling me names, and spit on my books (it happens, they're kids). Usually I just brush it off and tell them kindly not to do that again, but today I was angry, and I let it show. My head wasn't "in-the-game" and I was really distracted and basically let the kids run wild because I just didn't want to deal with it, and didn't feel like I had the energy to do anything. I basically swore off children after my first 4 classes (saying, "I'm sure I'll hate children for the rest of my life after this...") and on the way home, I was devastatingly thirsty.

I don't know that I've ever been so thirsty in my entire life. I complained to my friend about my Japanese friend who talks to me late at night saying, "I'm so tired now because my friend keeps me up late at night," but that was only half (and now I'm thinking quite insignificant) of the story. I was counting down the minutes to get home and get a drink. Every traffic light was torture, I literally felt like I was dying of thirst. We had to take a detour and I almost punched the car because I was so angry and thirsty. I nearly got out at many of the stop lights just to go to the nearest store and get a drink. Literally, I could have just passed out I was so thirsty.

Finally, we made it to my street, my friend dropped me off, and I didn't even give him a "Thanks" as I scurried over to the Family-Mart and went inside. Tunnel-vision hardly describes it, as I went straight for the drinks, I hardly even remember who was in the store or what the were doing. I grabbed 700 mL of green tea, paid, and left, downing 500 mL of that before I was 10 steps away from the store, and finishing it off within a block. 5 minutes more put me at home, where I started checking Men's Health in my email about the importance of drinking enough fluids, and how to practically do that through-out a busy day. All the while I kept drinking from another 1.5 L bottle of tea (which I finished off in an hour). What a difference that made!

A huge difference was noticable within 15 minutes of drinking the first little bit. Already I felt better, but more than that, over the course of the next hour as I continued drinking the tea, I just kept feeling better and better. My focus was back, my energy returned as well, and the children ceased being annoying little mosquito pests. I started having fun with them again, and I was reminded of why I enjoy children so much again, and just, wow! what a huge difference!

For the past few weeks I've felt that I NEEDED to go to the gym or to run/workout, something, but I just haven't had the focus, the drive, the energy, the motivation. After continuing to hydrate, now about 2.5 hours and 3.5 liters later, I have enormous energy. In fact, I'm considering not taking a taxi home from work tonight, but instead, just running it. And not just running the short 4 km straight back, but instead extending it to a much longer 9 or 10km. And I've not done that in quite a while! If I had known more about hydration in summer sooner, perhaps I'd have been far more active in the first place. I did notice that I've dropped about 3 kg over the past week (hopefully it's not just all water weight). But at least now I know.

......................

6:30pm

5 hours and 5 liters later, I still feel much better than I did this morning, and now I'm not sucking down water like I was earlier. Now, I more hungry than anything else. Time for grub.

Japan Itinerary

2007-07-09T19:35:00.000+09:00

I figured, since I was going to write this all down anyway, I might as well share it with all of you too. My Japan trip planned for July 28-August 5 goes something like this:

Friday, July 27 JEONJU
6:00pm-----finish work, head home for possible last minute packing
7:00pm-----At Jeonju Express Bus terminal ready to go to Seoul
10:30pm----In Seoul, possibly meet some friends for dinner and fun
12:00am----Korean sauna or friend's house for sleep

Saturday, July 28 SEOUL
7:30am-----wake up
8:00am-----Leave for airport
9:00am-----Arrive at Incheon airport
11:15am-----Flight to Tokyo
1:30pm-----Arrival in Tokyo, Japan, and immigration, (no baggage claim, I'll backpack it)
2:00pm-----Leave airport to meet Thomas somewhere for lunch (possibly Chiba)
3:00pmish--Meet Thomas, eat lunch, then head out for Disneyland!
4:00pmish--Arrival in Disneyland, and late ticket purchase
10:00pm----Disneyland closes, head for Sakura Hostel located at Asakusa Station
11:00pm----Arrival, check-in, and maybe hang out for a while, then sleep for an early start

Sunday, July 29 TOKYO
7:00am-----wake up, prepare to return to Disneyland
8:00am-----Arrive at Disneyland, in time for the opening (hopefully a friend or two will join me this day)
10:00pm----Park closes, head back to Sakura Hostel (or another location jointly chosen by my friend and I)
12:00am----sleep at Sakura Hostel

Monday, July 30 TOKYO
8:00am-----can sleep in, but possibly walk around the Imperial Palace in the morning
12:00pm----lunch
1:00pm-----leave for interview
2:00pm-----Interview at Interac, Japan near Iidabashi station
3:30pm-----Interview end, head to Akihabara Electronics area (massive Geek-Central)
7:00pm-----Possibly head to Tokyo tower, (also slightly depends on the company I keep)
11:00pm----Back to Sakura Hostel for the night (no curfew, but I think trains stop at midnight)
12:00am----Chill out, head to sleep

Tuesday, July 31 MT. FUJI
7:00am-----Wake up and head out for Fujisan (I hear it takes 4-7 hours up, and 2-4 back down)
10:00am----(possibly sooner) arrive at Mishima station, and take a bus to Fuji
1:00pm-----Arrive at the Fujinomiya 5th station and prepare to head out
7:00pm-----Hopefully arrive at the summit in time for sunset (not planning to stay for sunrise, though I may change my mind)
7:30pm-----Start back down with the help of my trusty flashlight
11:00pm----Reach Fujinomiya 5th station at least, (guess I need to make a plan for where I'll sleep this night though)
12:00am----Sleep

Wednesday, August 1 KYOTO
9:00am-----Sleep in at least a bit
10:00am----Hopefully have caught a bus back to Mishima station to catch the Shinkansen
12:00pm----Shinkansen (judging my time, and all, I MAY make a stop off at Nagoya to see a friend that Keisuke introduced me to, possibly for lunch this day, or if I'm REALLY ahead of schedule, for dinner the night before)
3:00pm-----possibly in Nagoya for a meal and etc
8:00pm-----hopefully no later, I'll arrive in Kyoto to see a friend I really miss
12:00am----stay the night in Kyoto

Thursday, August 2 KYOTO/OSAKA
8:00am-----wake up, get ready to head out, I've all day to chill with friends I know in Kyoto and Osaka
12:00pm----at least make it to Osaka, probably go to Osaka Castle/park, Yodobashi electronics, and Kinokunya bookstore in Namba
6:00pm-----arrange to meet a friend or two for dinner at least
12:00am----stay the night in either Kyoto or Osaka

Friday, August 3 HIROSHIMA
8:00am-----wake up, head out for the Shinkansen line to Hiroshima
10:00am----on the Shinkansen
1:00pm-----arrive in Hiroshima (honestly I've no idea how long the Shinkansen takes to get to any of these places so I'm just guessing, and hoping my guesses are either fairly accurate, or generous)
2:00pm-----Hiroshima Peace Park, the A-Bomb Dome, and the A-Bomb Museum (I heard that viewing these absolutely ruins your day, so I'm going to head to a park afterwards to cool)
6:00pm-----Hiroshima Castle and the park (land) around it
8:00pm-----possibly find something else interesting to do in Hiroshima
12:00am----Hostel somewhere in Hiroshima

Saturday, August 4 MIYAJIMA
9:00am-----Wake up, and head to the JR Ferry to Miyajima (Shrine island)
10:00am----Ferry to the island (at first I wasn't really going to go here, but since my JR Rail Pass includes free passage to the island, and it is a big tourist place, guess I'll head out there)
11:00pm----Exploring the island, and see the Torii Gate
3:00pm-----Possibly finished exploring by now, so probably just head back to Hiroshima
5:00pm-----Shinkansen bound for Fukuoka (Hakata)
8:00pm-----arrival in Hakata, time for dinner and heading to the Hostel, and chilling out
12:00am----bed

Sunday, August 5 FUKUOKA AND HOME
11:00am-----Hard Rock Cafe Fukuoka!!! (I've been waiting for this for 8 months!)
12:00pm----Head to the International Ferry Terminal with Eric and get our seats for the Ferry
1:45pm------In the Beetle and off to Korea
4:40pm-----Arrival in Korea, immigration, all that good stuff
5:30pm-----Head to the Bus Terminal
6:30pm-----Grab a bus back to our home of Jeonju
12:00am----no later than that arrive home, and head back to our houses with heads and cameras full of great memories

Monday, August 6 JEONJU
1:45pm------First class, plenty of time to sleep in and recover from my whirlwind trip to Japan that will cover over 1000 km (620 mi).

I'll update this later as plans finalize, but for now, I just wanted a rough sketch of my trip for my own sake.

Depressed?

2007-03-22T23:05:00.000+09:00

Am I depressed? I dunno, sometimes I'd say definitely, but tonight I saw "Oprah" that had some crazy doctor on it who said to someone else (not me) "You're not depressed...you're just bored...you have too much time on your hands" and it got me thinking. Am I just too bored? I'd say "Yes."

There are sometimes when I'm highly motivated, say, most recently, when I'm preparing meals for myself. I've really been enjoying blending smoothies and cooking on a more regular basis. However, I'm still not so great at cleaning up immediately afterwards (except the blender). And when dishes pile up, I slack off in every other regard, and dump clothes everywhere, or whatever.

I recently joined a gym as well, and should be able to do a workout every weekday during lunch, so long as lunch and smoothie snack are planned and figured out in advance. I've been sick for so long, and coughing (respiratory infection) that I haven't been running like I'd planned to. Now that I've got a new schedule, and slightly more motivation in some ways, I'd like to start that up again too, and just live a super healthy and motivated life. However the TV seems to be draining the motivation, leaving me lazy, and making me bored.

However, the TV is also nice for other reasons. For example, I learn SOME Korean, small bits here and there from the TV. I also stay more current on Korean culture and trends (that I can then use or talk about in classes). And the TV also keeps me from being too lonely (after all, I live completely alone here). I do have friends, but friends can't be around all the time. Anyway, I dunno. I have a feeling I should just unplug the TV, at least for a while, but then I think I'd just be MORE bored. There are times between classes when I come home and can't do anything except prepare a meal and eat before I'm off to the next class (speaking of which, I'm teaching at 6 schools now, and have one extra (should have been cancelled class after my lunch hour) which makes a noon gym run more difficult), and I just don't know what I would do with that time if not for the TV. I couldn't read, music might work SOME, but sometimes it's only for a few minutes, and it's also nice to FEEL like there are other people nearby. I used to be so social, these days, I watch it on TV. I think I should stop, and do something else, but what motivation can I find in other things? I dunno. I used to try harder when someone was pushing me to do well, or do something specific, but these days, no one challenges me but myself. And it's alot harder for me to challenge myself and do things alone.

Maybe I am bored, and not depressed. But alone is just so boring.

Japan again and my new semester in Korea

2007-03-19T00:54:00.000+09:00

***CAUTION***
This is INCREDIBLY LONG. Four pages in Word, single spaced. You are warned.
-------------------------------

So, I just watched a show on Discovery Channel about a guy and his exploration into Japan and Japanese culture, and as I was watching I had amazing memories of visiting the same places and doing many of the same things that he did. And while the guy in the show constantly complained and commented that "I just don't get it, I don't think I'll ever understand Japan" my thoughts about the same things were "wow, I LOVE that, that's amazing, maybe I don't get it, but that's why I find it absolutely fascinating, that's why I love it."

Perhaps needless to say, but my time in Japan was the most memorable, fascinating, amazing, even healthy and restful time I've ever had in my life. Perhaps that's only because I was so lazy there, and not working, but I can't help the effect Japan has had on me and continues to have on me.

Also needless to say, the time I've spent in Korea wasn't nearly as wonderful as promised. Korea has definitely been an amazing experience, and under different circumstances, I would have to say that this could have been my favorite country. It has amazing food, amazing people, amazing culture and customs, and not least of all amazing women. The girls here have the most beautiful hair of any other Asian country I've ever seen. You could take a really ugly girl and she'd still have amazingly sexy hair. That makes the really great looking girls (and there are a lot) even better. However, there are still a few things about Korea that continually put me off, and in many ways it probably all hinges on my current situation.

Perhaps I should start at...the beginning of the story...before I tell...the rest of the story.

When I went to Japan the first time, I had a few motivations to go there. For one, my best friend offered me a free place to stay for three months, how could I refuse? For two, I had just graduated from university (after 6 years) and needed a vacation. Three, I was definitely planning on looking for a job in Asia (unknown to my parents at the time) and although at that point I had not completely made up my mind as to where to go, my friend and I had talked extensively about teaching in Japan, which was in big part because of reason four, that I'd ALWAYS wanted to go to Japan and live there for 3 years or more. (Of course, my decision to teach in Japan wasn't FOR SURE at this point for two reasons (a) I wasn't completely sure I HAD graduated and therefore COULD apply for a job, and (b) because this whole thing seemed in many ways more like my friend's "baby" and not so much like me making my own decisions in life). And this brings us to reason five, a girl, 'nuff said.

Over the course of my time in Japan, in addition to the amazing time that I had, I started to get a few hints that maybe I shouldn't stay, weigh those as you will. In order of events, first, a Korean girl I know called me at my friend's house in Japan in the middle of a particularly difficult week of homesickness, and that first got me thinking about Korea. Later, I called my parents, and their words strongly influenced the final decision. Eventually, I went traveling in Japan, away from my best friend's house (up to this point he and his family had strongly encouraged me to get a job in Japan, much as my own family had strongly encouraged me NOT to, and my Japan job seemed more like their wish for me than my own (I was just feeling pressured on all sides, and needed a break from it all to really figure things out)). And of course, the girl (who I did meet later in my travels) was more interested in her career path in Japan than in giving anything else a chance, so eventually, with a number of things piling up, I made the decision to come to Korea.

A few of the reasons for coming to Korea, my own and my parents, include: (1) I'd never been to Korea, but had been to China and Japan, I thought I should round out my Asian experience with at least one trip to Korea (plus I had lots of friends here that I've not seen in years). (2) Korea is a more Christian nation (although true, and incredibly easy to find a church, I found that once I actually got OUT in Japan and to some bigger cities it was still quite easy to find a church, plus, this Christianity also makes Korea far more conservative, something I like sometimes and hate other times). (3) Korea pays better (pay is actually the same, but cost of living in Japan is much higher and I don't pay rent for an apartment in Korea) (4) The job offers I had in Japan started sooner than I (a) wanted and (b) thought I could handle (for one thing, my degree was needed for a teaching visa, and my school is nearly as lazy as me, not printing or shipping degrees until July. The job in Korea started in late July, giving just enough time to get the degree, and a teaching visa to teach legally in the country as opposed to a tourist visa (which I would have been doing for a while in Japan, IF the companies were even still interested in hiring me without a degree in hand). And of course (5) there was now no good (romantic) reason tying me to or keeping me in Japan.

After 6 months in Korea, there are now no longer that many good reasons (romantic or not) tying me here, and more and more things are encouraging me to return to Japan (consider the way something sparks inside me everytime I hear Japanese, see Japan, talk to a Japanese person (met one guy here who is Japanese-Korean, and he is easily my favorite guy around, I still really think Japanese people are great, very interesting, and quite kind and fun), or remember Japan, and consider as well my long term goals of robotics (seems Japan is leading in that field, or at least is dealing with the kinds of things I am highly interested in, such as having cute, or humanoid robots as interactive "helpers" for people in normal life, whereas so many others concentrate on the more static, mechanical "what can this robot do specifically" idea like we see in car manufacturing facilities)).

The Korean plusses are falling away. One of the biggest things that I DON'T like about this is my job, and it's not just my job, but the general way that (it seems) the entire English teaching business is conducted around here. Being raised in a Christian home, I was raised with much stricter moral standards than many other people in the country, and that still has affected me here (I was also quite naive coming into this situation). For one thing, the Korean government has stated that it is illegal for any foreigner to work in any job other than what their visa is granted for (for example, English teachers can't make money performing in the arts on their English teaching visas, and an instance of this happened in Busan I believe with a group of foreigners getting arrested), and a visa is granted after signing a contract with ONE school. Therefore, it is technically illegal for a teacher to work anywhere besides one school, including teaching private lessons, etc. However, it is one practice that is widely overlooked, and widely practiced around here. I've even heard instances of teachers who teach at one school being warned Immigration is coming to check the school and just to stay at home until the Immigration Officials leave (or hide in the back of the school).

But regardless of the legality of teaching like this, is the pain of doing so. I currently work at 3 different places, not including the two "privates" my boss is making me do under contract (in other words, as far as I know, my boss gets paid the standard $30/hr for the privates, but I only see about $15/hr because the hours I work there are under contract with him). And, tomorrow I will have university classes as well. That adds up to 6 different places I have to be on a weekly basis, just under contract (not including anything I might happen to pick up on the side). And all of that will add up to at between $10-$30/day in taxi fare, and adding all of that up, it will be about $100/week at least just for taxis to get to the schools I will teach at. Although that amount will be reimbursed to me at the end of the month in my contract pay, that still makes just getting to classes rather inconvenient. Considering as well that IF I had stayed in Japan, a subway ride from a suburb of Osaka, Ikoma, into the heart of Osaka would cost less than $5/way, so maybe $10/day minimum if I'm going deep into the city to work, or up to $20/day if I'm doing lots of traveling around for shopping (because as far as I know, I would only work for ONE school in Japan at ONE location (though one school I know had two places), and at least a few that I looked at were near the home that I would rent).

Now compound the money with the fact that nearly all these "schools" I've been "contracted" out for don't even know what they want me to teach. Often I walk into a place with nothing (I don't have kindergarten books) and the school has nothing as well. I ask, "what should I do?" and they say "what will you do?" They provide no books, no curriculum, and no guidance beyond, "Teach them conversational English." The kids are 3-6 years old for crying out loud, they don't even know conversational Korean yet! I'm just constantly surprised by the fact that the schools and the directors have nothing for me, and expect me to just DO something, or bring something, or whatever, but I never get any notice about it.

That's something else I've been frustrated by around here, the lack of notice for anything. My boss used to call me last minute for everything. "We have a meeting in 20 minutes, be ready" on a Saturday that turns into a 2 hour orientation meeting (and speech from me) at a camp that I'm not even teaching. My boss used to call me last minute to teach another teacher's class who was sick or didn't show up at work that day. For a month I worked 12 hour days because he was short one teacher, and for the last three months, I had another teacher's job (since she quit). Good thing my university classes ended, or it would have been 12 hour days for the last three months as well. I noticed for a while there, my boss could call me any Saturday with additional things and if I didn't have plans, he could easily get me to do something for him. I ended up having to make plans, or go to a different city, or SAY I was in a different city, or turn off my phone. Koreans don't understand hesitation over the phone or in person. They seem to take any answer for a solid YES, even if it's "will you give a speech at my camp?" and you say "I guess I COULD" and you mean SOMETIME, but he means RIGHT NOW. And at least a few of them get offended when your hesitant "yes" isn't followed to the letter immediately (one girl I know said "Illusionist movie looks interesting right?" I said, "yeah, I might see it." she said, "let's see it Thursday" I said "I work" she said "do you work Friday?" I said "no" and when Friday was approaching and I said that I had other plans, she got incredibly offended thinking that we had strongly agree to go together on Friday and that our decision was set in stone (though I had only told her "I don't work Friday.")).

Anyway, more on the teaching. I'm perfectly fine with doing my own thing, IF the school gives me some kind of direction. After all, this is still my first year teaching, so I'm not that experienced. One school told me they don't have English books, and don't have money to buy any, so I should buy some. When I asked what they wanted they said, "we don't know, teach conversation." I suggested story books (I do stories in many other places) and they said "mmm, not story books, conversation." Well, that doesn't help me much does it? One school I've taught at for the last three months, no problem, one teacher always helped out and provided me with the materials I would use each week. Now, she is gone and I have no materials, so I've had to find something laying around in the school to try and use. In addition, the same school added a "special class" that I am supposed to have for an extra hour in the mornings 9-10am, but for the first three weeks when I arrived, they had no materials and just sent me into a class full of 30 or so kids and said "Play." I said, "what? Play what? Should I teach something?" and the director just pointed to a bunch of toys and said again, "Play." OK. So I "played" and tried to teach English.

I'm getting the feeling more and more around here that foreign English teachers are more for show than anything else. Everything in Korea is based on appearances. People buy bigger, newer cars and apartments just to SHOW how rich they are. There is a street in Seoul with a plastic surgery clinic in every building and Korean girls do get lots of plastic surgery (not all, but many). Foreign teachers come to orientation meetings with parents only to say, "Hi, I'm Aaron, I'm foreign" and then sit back down, just to SHOW the parents that "wow, this is a good school, because they have a foreigner." People are constantly judged based on appearances. People tell me I'm handsome, and sometimes I feel that (at least some) girls only are interested in me because I'm foreign and "wow, what an appearance that would be, to have a foreign boyfriend." And another thing that bothers me quite a bit here has to do with the girls, more specifically their fathers.

I've known plenty of relationships between foreigners and Korean girls that have been broken simply because of the father. In many cases the father doesn't even meet the foreigner (this isn't to say that all fathers hate their daughters dating foreigners, but that definitely seems to be the case). In many instances I've heard of (and possibly even in my case, though the girl I dated did live in a different city and that got to be difficult after a while) as soon as the father hears of a foreign boyfriend, he tells the daughter to break it off with him. In fact, I was talking to a foreign friend yesterday who said that in all the cases he's heard of (of course, we're in a fairly small, conservative city) in which a foreigner and Korean girl are successfully dating, the father is out of the picture, either divorced, or gone, or something. Even my boss, as I've been told is like that. His daughter once expressed interest in possibly dating a foreigner one day and he said that he wouldn't allow it. And this is a man who employs many foreigners (up to 10 currently) and has visited Canada many times, and clearly likes foreigners, but he still won't have his daughter dating one. I heard that 15% of new marriages in Korea were Korean men marrying foreign girls, so obviously there's no problem there. The problem comes if you're a foreign man trying to date a Korean girl. I've heard things as well (not sure how true) about "trying to keep the purity of the race" or something like that, but it still has a tendency to be quite frustrating, even thinking about it (I'm currently single). And when I was dating a Korean girl, I literally felt like everyone was staring at me whenever I walked down the street holding her hand.

Anyway, this has run on longer than I thought it would, but it was interesting to really put lots of words to it. Currently the most frustrating things here are the last minute everythings (I don't even know my schedule for tomorrow), the running all over the city for teaching, the lack of information, teaching materials or direction, and the split shifts (I will work tomorrow 10-12 pm, then MAYBE 4-6pm, then 8-10pm, awesome). This lack of consistency with my job, the constant changes, and whatnot are seriously starting to wear me out. Oh well, only 6 more months of it. Then, I'm heading back to Japan. I'll gladly take a pay cut, a little more expense, less beautiful hair, and a more beautiful language, for a little more certainty, and a few less surprises (stress).

Seriously, for a while I was so stressed by the surprise "you're teaching in 3 minutes" phone calls that everytime I looked at my phone I cringed. And for a while as well, I worked so much (with so much stress during the week) that I couldn't even enjoy my weekends, because as soon as they started, I cringed thinking about Monday. Maybe that's why I got so sick for 3 or 4 months. I quit eating right, sometimes didn't eat at all. I ordered pizza 2 times a week. Maybe that's why I lost the girl, haha. Oh well. Eventually I started reading that if your body doesn't get ENOUGH food, or enough sleep, or especially enough protein, it can't fight off illnesses or infections effectively. Add that to the constant stress, and the constant sniffling, sneezing, coughing of the kids, no wonder I was so sick. But, after changing my diet to include plenty of protein, and constantly eating (to keep the metabolism revved), I'm finally starting to get better. In fact, I've not coughed seriously all day (except for a few minor irritations). Maybe I can even go back to running in another week or two (weights start next week).

And that, as they say, is "the rest of the story."

Yup, I'm still in Korea.

2007-03-05T20:54:00.000+09:00

Koreans are really direct people.

I got sick again this weekend, Thursday, but opened my house, rested a lot, and generally started getting a lot better as the weekend progressed. I slept 10 hours each night, and every morning woke up feeling rested, refreshed and better than the day before.

Come Sunday, the Spring weather, and morning sunshine were pouring in through my window, though it was cloudy (due to rain in the afternoon). I ate cereal for breakfast, much in the same manner Dai and I used to in Japan (weather, and sickness were also very similar to my first few weeks in Japan). I turned on the TV and saw a Japanese TV show about Tokyo Disneyland with an announcer that totally looked like Yoko Fujiwara (cute Japanese girl, always smiling and saying "cuuuute!"). I continued my morning with a very lazy shower, and got ready for the day by even doing my hair (I wear hats alot).

All in all, it was a very nostalgic morning, even reminded me of home in some ways. I felt very much alive, well, and at home.

Then, I grabbed a cab to church, enjoyed the service, and saw a woman afterwards who I've not seen in months. And the very first thing she said to me was, "Aaron! Wow, you look like you've gained weight a little!"

|
|    There goes my nostalgic high,
|     as I'm reminded that
|     "Yup, I'm still in Korea."
\ /
V

Like I said, Koreans are really direct people. Sometimes I wouldn't mind at least a LITTLE more discretion when they speak. But that's just the way things go. They speak their minds. I'm still not quite used to that.

Hahaha, and this coming after 6 of my Seoul friends asked, "Wow, Aaron, have you lost weight?" And actually, since coming to Korea, I have lost weight (about 5 kg, (11 lb)), though I maintain a pretty steady 77 kg (170 lb).

Beautiful weather

2007-03-03T12:44:00.000+09:00

Jeonju Spring is officially the most beautiful season in any country anywhere. Or maybe it's just that I finally have a break, a real break at that. Or maybe it's just that I'm finally taking charge of my stuff and cleaned my whole kitchen today (and did the dishes much sooner than normal). Or maybe it's that I haven't turned on the TV or my music all day, and I'm just listening to the outdoors. Or maybe it's just that my whole house is open to the outside air, the sun is shining in through my windows, and I'm finally relaxing.

I've been tensing up a little the past two evenings thinking "Wow, today feels like Sunday already." But the thing is, it wasn't Sunday, wasn't even Saturday. And I don't have work until late Monday. It's like every weekend is just a little too short, I never have a day completely to myself, with nothing to do. Saturdays I have work (and my boss just signed me up for another of his 5 hour Saturday class - yippee), and Sunday is church. Not that I'm knocking church or anything, but it's just another thing that is built into my schedule, so that when I look at my week, I don't have a single blank day. I actually really love Sundays because I get to meet up with some of my guy friends that I don't see during the week and we always have lunch, coffee, play tennis, play pool, play board games (board game cafes here), eat dinner, have ice cream, etc, etc, or any combination thereof, so Sundays are quite a nice change of pace from the usual week. But, I'd still like a big blank in my schedule. And I finally got one.

Five days off this weekend, and only working 2 hours a day on the other days of this week is better than I expected (I usually don't expect much). Since February 22 I've not had my normal kindergarten classes during the day, only morning and afternoon class. Then a weekend, then only afternoon class M-W the following (last) week. Thursday was a National Holiday, and Friday I had no work (though a short meeting). I also have no work Monday until late in the evening, and no work in the afternoons or evening until March 19 when I resume university classes. Like I said, at first I started tensing up thinking about the quickly approaching week and resuming of work, but then I realized how slowly the week actually was approaching and I'm finally starting to relax.

I started getting sick again on my first day off, Thursday the holiday, and then I started thinking about why that was. I spent nearly all day in my house doing pretty much nothing. I did clean up some (boy it was a big project, letting things pile up for so long), but after a few hours, just turned on the TV for the rest of the day. I had planned to go for a run that day, but because I started to get sick, I canceled that, and just stayed in. However, the longer I was in my house, the sicker I got (or so it seemed when coughing worsened and included a headache eventually). I started looking online for reasons and found some interesting info on mold, and noticed that I definitely had symptoms of a moldy house, at least the "sick causing mold" that literally causes cold and flu-like symptoms after too much exposure. Considering I've been sick for most of the winter, and constantly getting better, then worse, and always with a "cold" I really started to think about that. If nothing else, at least I realized the danger of my lack of good quality air. Recently when I've come home from classes, I've noticed a slight difference in the air between outside and inside. But in the middle of winter, in a small apartment, who wants to leave windows open if you're trying to heat the place? I left windows closed nearly all winter to try and contain the heat. Of course it worked, but at what cost? Anyway, if nothing else, I should have closed the kitchen door and opened the windows in the kitchen when I was heating, since that is where the heater is located (it pumps heat under the floor, so the floor is actually what is heated in the main apartment).

Anyway, around 8 or 9pm I started to get really sleepy, and almost thought about going to bed, but then I thought that I couldn't go to bed with bad air, so, despite my headache, I went for a 6 mile walk to Homever (Wal-Mart) and back, and opened my house the whole time. Upon leaving my house, I felt slightly better, but after the 6 mile walk around the city, I was exhausted. I came home and left my windows open all night and all day Friday, all night Friday night, and I will continue to leave them open ALL the time now. After completely cleaning my room and getting all the fresh air circulating, I'm sure things will be looking up. Even if I don't have mold, at least getting new air, and getting rid of all the old dirt and dust will help. If I do have mold in some place that I have no idea where to look for (I've checked all the dark, sometimes wet places I can think of for now) at least keeping my windows open all the time will keep the air quality in my house consistent with that of the outside. And since there are always mold spores in the outside air, I don't think it will be a big problem.

Anyway, as for the whole cleaning thing. It's a big job to clean this whole apartment, and especially if I just let it pile up. I think I'm going to have to break things down a bit. Maybe clean the kitchen every Monday, bathroom every Wednesday, and main house every Friday (when I have the afternoons off). That way things can't ever get THIS bad again. I never realized the importance of cleaning until my house started making me sick (so it seems).

Things like this sometimes just frustrate the hell out of me. I feel like I'm just fumbling around half the time, trying to live, but not really knowing how. I always seem to find out things the hard way. Even if someone gives me good advice, because usually the good advice is just "wash your dishes more often." I never hear the consequences, like "if you don't you might have to throw your dishes away." And even if I do hear the consequences, the reality of the situation doesn't really hit me until after it happens, when I actually DO have to throw my dishes, or my moldy towels, away. I feel like I'm just learning things the hard way more often than not.

I learned the hard way not to keep old rotting food in a trash can in my kitchen when I started having maggots and flies growing off of that (gross).
I learned the hard way not to keep kimchee too long in my fridge after it started leaking, and rotting and stinking in there.
I learned the hard way not to keep rice in my rice cooker too long after it started fermenting and turning into rice wine in there (stinky).
I learned the hard way to clean my dishes more quickly when I had to throw some away from mold (the same with towels kept too long unwashed in my clothes washer).
I learned the hard way to clean my apartment and open the windows more often when I started getting sick from spending too much time in there.
I learned the hard way not to buy more food in a week than I WILL eat in that week, when I had to constantly throw out old stuff (living alone is so much different from living in a family, where you can stock the fridge with random foods. Here I actually have to PLAN everything or I'll end up with too much or too little of something)

I think I'll end up learning the hard way about preparing meals (or at least planning them) before I get hungry (because I constantly just get pizza or McDonald's if I need something to eat NOW).

Oh, one more thing I learned the hard way, though not related to housekeeping. If in a group of foreigners you happen to mention that you are an American, NEVER mention that you voted for George W. Bush (even with the quantifier "before the war" OR even though over half of the US did vote for him) because NOBODY likes George W. Bush overseas. And even if someone did like Bush, they would certainly keep their mouth shut about it. The other foreigners will just lynch you about it. Maybe that's why I don't like to go drinking with the foreigners here. I prefer Koreans.

Anyway, one last thing about the relaxing before I wrap this up. I used to feel really pressed for time about everything, my goals, learning Korean, Japanese, studying robotics, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc. But I'm starting to learn that not everything is a sprint to the finish. I'm starting to see things more like reading a long book. Do a little at a time, relax, enjoy it, and eventually you'll finish it. After all, I'm only 25 years old, and I've got lots of time left to do what I want to do. At first, thinking about the hugeness of my goals, or tasks, I used to get really tired just thinking about them, and they seemed far too overwhelming, because to me, everything was a sprint, to learn or accomplish all in one breath, or as short a time as possible. But when training for the marathon (though I've missed a few days), or reading the book, or reading any book, or even just cleaning my place one piece at a time, I can start to see things in a better light. I can start to see things now as a progression, building piece upon piece, part upon part until the goal is finally accomplished. Even in learning Korean. I study a little today, tomorrow, I'll recognize more words (at least one) on the TV, or in public. In calming down about such things, and slowing down my pace, I'm able to relax in these things more and to enjoy the process. Instead of rushing things so much, I'm starting to learn to slow down, and not get ahead of myself.

Anyway, hopefully I'll remember these things later, when I'm back at work and the pressure is on again. This will be my last long weekend off in a long time, and I intend to make the most of it.

Pictures Posted

2007-02-28T13:32:00.000+09:00

I used to post all my pics on Facebook.com because it was convenient. However, not everyone could view those pics, so I finally found another site that allows public access to all the photos I post.

Check out: http://picasaweb.google.com/jekkilekki for pics I just posted from Korea and Japan.

i don't know who i want to be anymore...

2007-02-21T23:23:00.000+09:00

i dunno who i wanna be anymore. i sometimes get an image in my mind of who i wish i was, but it's never compelling enough or something. i constantly let people walk all over me too. no one ever taught me how to stand up for myself, speak my mind, defend my ideas. i can see how speech, debate, drama, etc, would be a good thing, to help you in some of those ways. most times i just sit back and let things happen, let my life be chosen for me, because that's how i was programmed. everyone always had their own plans for my life, their own ideas, their own goals. everyone always told me what to do, so i did. now that i've lost that direction, i dunno what to do anymore. how do i start my own life?

now there are no parents, no teachers, no coaches, no friends telling me what to do. everyone is just waiting to see what i will do. what a switch that is! i've always had someone else planning things for me, now i have to do it. the only thing planned for me is my teaching schedule. and it's the only thing i'm consistent at. everything i try to plan doesn't happen. maybe because no one's there to encourage me along in it, or just because i know i won't have anyone to answer to except myself. and i'm kind of a push-over really. so answering to myself is more like just being lazy. nothing really happens.

of course i've always got goals. but i let stupid things pile up and get in the way of those. then i get lazy. i sleep 9 hours a night, and still could sleep more (that's from sleeping too much), i let dishes, cleaning, laundry all pile up so that when i come home from work i think "wow, i've got so much work to do, i can't do anything." and then i'm lazy so that even that work never gets done, so that i can never get on to accomplishing any goals.

another thing i noticed is that i really wished that someone were there to encourage me along in things a little more. not that people discourage me, it's just that i'm not incredibly vocal about goals in my life unless other people ask me about them specifically. if i ask someone else about their goals, i'm super supportive of those things and often try to help them find ways to accomplish those goals. but it doesn't really seem that i get much good return for my efforts.

sometimes i really hate being raised in a christian home. not that i hate christianity, i am a christian and still go to church and enjoy it. but in many ways, i feel that i missed lots of lessons that i could have learned. i feel in many ways that the church is raising weak boys. i've always been told to turn the other cheek, to love my neighbor, etc, etc, etc. in so doing, i've never paid attention to my own wants, or desires. i'm supposed to put others before myself, hold others in higher regard than myself. i can't fight, i'm supposed to be politically correct, i'm supposed to respect everyone. well, when is any of that reciprocated? do i get respected? do people treat me the way i want to be treated? do other people follow the golden rule? do other people turn their cheeks?

see, i think part of my laziness and procrastination problem comes from this. by being taught to constantly think less of myself and more of others, i've come to definitely think less of myself. and this is in all things. how can i respect myself if i always "turn the other cheek" and let someone else always have their way? in one part of the bible, jesus tells a parable about a shrewd manager, and says that we should be shrewd as christians, like he was. but seriously, how can anyone be shrewd if we're always taught the "golden rule" and "turn the other cheek"? if we always back off, then we always will back off, at least for a good long time. if we (I) never confront anything, never even argue (good boys and girls shouldn't argue), how will i ever confront anything in life, even my own goals?

seriously, i just dunno anymore. i feel weak. and i feel in many ways that the church made me this way. i don't classify jesus as weak, though in so many of those pictures with lambs and stuff he does look like a push-over, too beautiful to get dirty and all. i just think that modern day christianity doesn't have the stomach for the way things really are in this world. they try to cover their eyes and ears and mouth. see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. and if i can't see it, or hear it, or say it, then i'm in a good way.

i dunno, not that striving for perfection isn't a good thing. sometimes it is, but sometimes there's just far too much emphasis on that perfection and on not making mistakes and on doing everything right, and on making sure everyone else is happy. well, when everyone else is happy, i'm forgetting about me. where does my life come into play? is someone else going to try and make me happy? turn their cheek to me? you've got to be kidding me! who would do such a thing? it's unheard of.

eh, i've done this one to death. i'm tired of thinking.

Bronchitis

2007-02-20T22:19:00.000+09:00

Wow. I totally had bronchitis for a while there and didn't even know it. I think I'm through the worst of it now, though still coughing, but I read a lot about it on www.wikipedia.org, and my symptoms, and the events leading up to the bronchitis totally fit the descriptions given there. I had the flu before that (bronchitis often follows flu or cold), then I spent 5 hours in a smoke-filled PC room (smoke helps bring it on), and I inhaled air particles probably contaminated with something (from a humidifier filled with tap water). Wow, I really wish I knew some things BEFORE they happened to me, or I stumbled into them. Well, also according to the website, my cough may last a few months as my lungs and brachit... something repair themselves. Anyway, bronchitis, wow.

Not enough protein

2007-02-17T11:54:00.000+09:00

Since I've recently started keeping track of the foods I eat during the day using www.fitday.com (again, I used it before, last year for a while, and lost weight because I was conscious of what I was eating), I realized that I'm not getting a good amount of protein in my day.

My goal is to intake 40% of my calories from carbs, 30% fat, and 30% protein.
However, recently, it's been more like:
Tuesday, 52% carbs, 32% fat, 16% protein.
Wednesday, 47% carbs, 36% fat, 17% protein.
Thursday, 50% carbs, 34% fat, 16% protein.
Friday, 45% carbs, 36% fat, 15% protein.

This isn't to say that I eat completely unhealthily, just that protein is needed to build and maintain muscle, and that without a sufficient amount of protein intake, I'm not really helping myself out as best I could, especially with the marathon training I'm starting to do. So, even with all the training, working out I could do, it'll take longer to get leaner if I don't eat enough protein. Obviously the carbs intake is a lot higher than I'd like as well, but I hate low carb diets that erase carbs completely, because carbs are where you get longer lasting energy. Part of the reason my carbs intake is higher is because we eat so much rice over here. Somehow, I've got to put more protein into my diet. Luckily I have some whey protein powder, but even drinking one or two helpings of that per day might not help out as much as I hope, unless I change some part of my diet as it is.

I did just get three "Abs Diet" books in the mail yesterday that talk about the 40/30/30 ratio for calorie intake, and gives some good strategies to meet that goal. So, I guess I'll get to work on trying to figure that out, try to take care of my dishes and all, as well as try to learn some more good cooking recipes. And maybe in a few months, have a nice six-pack, hahaha.

Ugly Koreans, Ugly Americans

2007-02-14T20:54:00.000+09:00

Today at Kyobo books I picked up a book called "Ugly Koreans, Ugly Americans" about cultural differences that people from the opposite culture often find annoying or frustrating. Following, is the list, and I must say, I agree with nearly all of it, including a lot about American culture that I'm sure is frustrating. In fact, that's all I'll type for now. Perhaps later I'll do the Ugly Koreans part, but for now, just getting a different perspective on America is enough (most of these things are considered rude in other countries):

UGLY AMERICANS...
...beckon people with an index finger.
...use an index finger to point at someone.
..."steal" a child's nose putting a thumb between first and second finger. (In Korea, this is like giving someone the middle finger)
...shake hands too firmly.
...smoke in front of elders.
...use one hand to give or receive something from elders. (should use two hands)
...wave instead of bow to person of higher status.
...keep hands in pockets while speaking.
...use too much eye contact during conversations.
...chew gum in social situations. (actually, some of my Korean friends chewed gum with me recently, and they chewed LOUDLY, with mouths open the whole time. Just "smack, smacking" all the time, and that was pretty annoying. I thought they didn't know how to chew with their mouths closed, hahahaha)
...kiss in public.
...wear shoes inside the home. (shoes are dirty and outside things)
...listen to loud music, esp in cars.
...call people (elders) by first names.
...praise family members in public.
...look upon all Asians as being from the same race. ("Say, you look Chinese. Are you Chinese?")
...blow noses loudly in public.
...joke about sexual stuffs in public.
...are too sensitive about people cutting in line.
...watch a sports match or jog shirtless.
...wear sports shoes with a suit. (A little strange, I admit)
...adolescent girls wear make-up. (I think that's stupid)
...middle-aged and older people wear loud colors and "youthful" styles. (actually, I love this part)
...sit with legs crossed in front of superior.
...put feet on a desk or chair in the office.
...don't stand up when a superior enters the office.
...toss items on desk of superior.
...say "uh-huh" when superior is speaking.
...cross arms when talking.
...sit on table or desk when lecturing.
...hold pen or pencil in mouths.
...aren't patient when waiting for someone.
...speak directly or aggressively.
...when receiving a business card, don't really look at it, just put it in their pocket. (In Asia, at least Japan and Korea, a business card is like an extension of a person or his business. They put a lot of emphasis on the look and design of their cards, and you are expected to receive them with two hands, and then at least look at them for a few seconds, observe them, get a good feel for them, and possibly comment about them (almost as if you're carefully observing the person who is giving the card). Then, you can leave the card on the business table in front of you (politely, not playing with it) until your business is concluded, at which point you can pick it up and take it with you)
...complain directly to superiors.
...say "Korean time" to describe being late. (I used to say "Chinese time" hahahaha, ooops)
...write a person's name in red. (This means that either the person will die, or their mother will die shortly, I forget who)
...don't do anything for free. (yeah, pretty freaking annoying I think, but who wants to do something for free? No one does anything for ME for free. Oh wait, no AMERICANS do)
...joke around a lot while working. (ooops, hahaha)
...strictly separate work time and private time. (actually, I like this, I HATE sudden changes in work schedules, or work that carries over into my time)
...take legal action instead of trying to solve things on a personal level. (yeah, pretty freaking ridiculous, I prefer relationships and solving things on a personal level without involving the authorities)
...express trivial complaints in writing. (friggin' ridiculous. Americans complain too much, about too small and stupid of things)
...stick silverware straight up in bowls of rice. (They, at least Japanese, do this at funerals, and for dead people. Also, Japanese pass the bones of dead people from chopstick to chopstick, so NEVER pass food chopstick to chopstick, because it is just like that)
...aren't willing to try new foods. (yeah, also stupid. You're in another country, and culture, don't be an idiot.)
...never buy dinner in return. (actually, I buy dinner whenever they let me, but often they insist on buying for me. Korean people like to buy dinner for a guest, so as long as I'm a guest (a first-time guest at least) they like to buy for me. But, if I'm out with a bunch of my friends, I like to buy dinner, or be generous, just because I make a lot of money, and I'm not shy about spending it on worthwhile things like my friends.)
...take "no!" as "no!" when eating. (I dunno what this means)
...lick fingers while eating.
...eat anywhere they happen to be.
...fill up someone's glass before it's completely empty.
...don't pour drinks for anyone else. (In Korea, you are supposed to never fill your own drink, instead fill the other people's drinks. After you've filled theirs, they fill yours, and you fill after the drinks are empty (if there's still something in them, it implies they're not yet finished, and don't want more). Also, you're supposed to use two hands when pouring for people of higher status.
...begin drinking as soon as their glass is filled. (should wait for the "cheers")
...talk too much while eating.
...don't offer to share foods. (I love sharing foods, I hate just eating ONE thing the whole meal esp. if there are other options available)
...use sarcasm. (as much as I like it, I admit, some Americans are WAY too sarcastic. It gets annoying!)
...tease others. (I love teasing others, as long as I'm doing it in a gentle and kind way, I love it)
...flirt overtly. (actually, this reverts back to the teasing thing, and I like it, though I try not to be too over-the-top with it)
...brag about themselves. (I try not to talk about myself, but ask other people about themselves, although it's not always like that, I try)
...speak English too quickly or overuse slang. (this even gets on MY nerves! Some people speak to foreigners as if they were native English speakers and had grown up with the slang and culture for years. I constantly have to explain things in simpler meanings if I'm with a "slang-speaker." Even I get tired of too much slang.)
...challenge another person's opinion.
...use loud voices, big gestures, and exaggerated expressions.
...call a Korean woman's name by her husband's name. (same with Chinese people, the woman keeps her name, the children take the husband's name)
...go Dutch. (actually the younger generation often suggests this to me when I'm out with them)
...are too sensitive about mentioning their age. (this is the only way Koreans know how to properly address someone. You can only be "friends" if you are the SAME age. Younger, and you become "younger brother" or "younger sister." Older, and you are "older brother" or "older sister." So, the first question many Koreans ask is your age.)
...won't wait for the "walk" sign at intersections.
...demand discounts on merchandise at every store.
...think it is sometimes alright to ignore local traffic laws.
...say that Seoul is especially dirty. (actually, Seoul is really a beautiful city. Beijing was more smoggy and polluted, though still nice)
...don't try to learn Korean and expect Koreans to learn English. (actually, I know one guy who has lived in Korea for 4 years and still can't even read. I find this quite embarrassing. At least learn to read. If you can read, then you can pick up at least a LITTLE Korean language just through reading. I learned to read mostly before I came in University, and it only took a short refresher (2 hours) to remember it all. Korean Hangeul is probably the most brilliant written language on the face of the planet. It would take little more than one day to learn it all and be able to start using it (although practice is required to get fast). But, seriously, at least learn to read after living here for 4 years!)
...walk on a "yo". (Korean mattress bed, can be folded up. Similar to Japan)
...send their elderly parents to a nursing home.
...think they are the best simply because they are from the United States. (Yeah, no crap. Seriously, when I talk about America, and Americans and their attitudes, esp towards international people and cultures, I find there is often no better word to describe US than "arrogant." If anyone ever asks me about Americans, or America, or Americans traveling abroad, I find I constantly have to refer to them (ME) as arrogant to adequately describe the situations. Of course, since we come from the biggest power on the planet, it's no wonder we've got a high opinion of ourselves. But seriously, sometimes Americans just complain about the stupidest, smallest inconveniences. Nobody said life was fair, get over yourself.)

All about Korea

2007-02-09T19:01:00.000+09:00

This is something I read from a travel blog (http://realtravel.com/daejeon-journals-j600434.html) that is a perfect analysis of the way things are here in Korea. It's an excellent read, and everything contained within is exactly what so many foreigners notice and experience when they come here. These words aren't mine, but they very accurately describe everything I've felt about Korea.

The day has finally come. I finished my contract in Korea, met my family and said goodbye. It was a lot harder to say goodbye to Korea than I ever thought it would be. I complained a lot, but it holds a special place in my heart. To sum up my take on Korea and its people I will use an example of a typical day of driving in Korea.

I did not think of this idea all on my own. I was inspired by an author named Michael Breen. His theory goes that any observer can summarize the main features of a country's culture, politics and people, by driving on the roads for 30 minutes. So, for example if I were to drive to the Korean version of Wal-mart called Emart, this is what I would see.

The first thing that is noticeable about driving on Korean roads is that a large majority of the cars are new and Korean-made. Hardly anyone, except for me, drives pieces of junk older than 5 years old. Plus they are all shiny and well taken care of. This shows how Koreans present themselves: if you look like you are good than you must be. (Everything is taken at face value.) Koreans are pretty superficial. People can be hired or fired based purely on looks. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary to hear that you aren't attractive enough to be hired or that you should have plastic surgery before we can hire you. Also, this phenomenon shows how everyone wants to be like the rest of the population. (Keeping up with the Jones's.) If your neighbor has a shiny new car then you can't be outdone, so you will do anything possible to get the same or better shiny new car. Plus it has to be Korean made to support all of your country men. Rarely do people drive import cars because the taxes are exorbitant on them.

After reaching the first major intersection, your life will have passed before your eyes twice. But after driving for another couple of days this death-flashing phenomenon will pass and it will all just be run of the mill driving. Basically the rule of the road is chaos. There are no rules and that is what works best. Simply think about your safety and keep driving full speed ahead. This is how the country is motivated. Progress is the only focus of everything. The goal is to accomplish everything possible and not think about the consequences behind or to the sides of you. I have heard that in the driver's license test if you look in your mirrors or in your blind spots you fail the test.

I had to take a test with all the Koreans to receive my Korean driver's license. They gave me a book (in Konglish -> mostly English but with funny spellings based off of Korean) about 100 pages long with all the rules similar to home. It was hilarious to read because every rule written I had witnessed being broken at least once. So I studied my little book and tried to memorize the legal height one can pack things onto the back of a scooter and other such ridiculous rules.

However, at the testing facility all the Koreans were studying the test. You could purchase the test early and answer all the questions using a book and then memorize the test. This is exactly the way the middle schoolers study for their tests. For the exams students would come to our academy where we had the tests printed out and then memorize the answers we told them. Luckily this was all done with the Korean teachers because I found it outrageous. I don't understand how an entire country can be taught everything by simple memorization. Nothing involves thinking, just finding ways to pass a test. Again the same idea is present: mind the task ahead, blinders to the side, and finish fastest.

After driving on the road for about 10 minutes you will see a traffic accident. Because Korea is the 10th most densely populated country in the world, there are a lot of people, cars and scooters to run into. People get along best with all the strangers by simply ignoring them. No one else is there so it is possible to do whatever you want. If traffic has 5 lanes and you are in the far left lane, it is not uncommon to watch someone from the extreme right lane cross the other 4 and cut you off. However, the most annoying thing about an accident is that people simply leave their car wherever it stops. If two cars have a head on collision in the middle of the intersection, they leave the cars where they crashed and all the debris laying around. They have to take pictures and argue about whose fault it is. It basically means a mess for traffic.

Because of construction, accidents and simply heavy traffic many people drive scooters. These allow people to zig and zag through the traffic easier. Even though it is more difficult for cars to cut to the front it is possible. If there is a white line (cross walk) for where the traffic should stop for a red light, most people stop there. However, 2 or 3 people at least will pull up in front of the line of
cars (after there's already a line) and wait past the line. This is so typical of Korean mentality. Why wait? If there is a way to cut to the front, do it. This is typically done by asking your network of people to help out.

Professional drivers, taxis, are the most lawless. Even though they are low on the totem pole of success, they rule on the streets. They are similar to the politicians. According to Confucianism, the legal tradition developed for the benefit of assisting the ruler in the endeavor of leading by moral example. Koreans see law as something given from above, not created by the people. Koreans' mindset hasn't changed with democracy to figure out that the laws are created after debate by people who are elected. Laws don't govern life as much as relations between people do. Laws are simply a last resort. That is why networking is vital and people rely on family, alumni and hometown friends. Even politicians cut to the front of the line to pass laws for friends to receive something in return. This sounds strikingly similar to some circumstances involving the war in Iraq and Cheney. However in Korea it is simply understood that it will happen and something that has to be covered up.

Now arriving at Emart it would be necessary to park in the parking structure. The funniest thing is the people that flag you into the structure. There is usually one person in the road, one on a circular platform under an umbrella and one inside the structure flagging you in. Now this is not a simple wave, it is an elaborate dance that I think involves training in an after school academy. If I had all the time in the world and the patience to drive forever, I would pull in and out of these parking garages just to watch these people flag me in again. I tried to record it, but it didn't do it justice. Just take my word for it.

So on our trip we would have seen the patriotic, chaotic, persistent, determined, superficial, lawlessness and pure entertainment about the Koreans. Even though these things all sound bad it is all just misunderstood. They are different from me and every way that I grew up, but still fun to observe on the streets. The way they are demonstrates what they have gone through in their history and where they are trying to go.

Some people when driving get road rage; I would just have fits of laughter. It is inconceivable what they can do in the streets and still have so many people living.
It is also inconceivable to me to think about how much they have done in the past 50 years. I will always follow what is happening in Korea, because the next 50 years could bring even more changes to these people. I just hope it is for the best for them. I am sure though they will plow ahead as fast as possible passing the tests any way possible and wearing their blinders.

My students

2007-02-07T20:32:00.000+09:00

So, I started to get really frustrated with yelling "Hey you!" in classes to try and get the kids to listen to me, so I decided to take one week (last week) to record ALL my students names from every class, at ONE of my three schools, so that I could try to learn their names, and be able to yell at specific kids instead of just "Hey you!" Following, is a typed list of all these kids (plus doing this REALLY helped me learn the layout of the Korean keyboard. Now I can type Korean without looking down every time I try to find the right letter. Still not as fast as English, but not far off):

M, T, W 9:50am Special class
김진석 - decent, playful b
이은찬 - TROUBLE b
준호 - cute, biter, b
이동건 - teeth/eyes b
김면준 - trouble 2 b
오유만 - window b
김정호 - b/y stripes b
김지우 - head band g
박하은 - new g
안소연 - cute g
고연주 - small, curly hair g

M, W 9:55am
이윤상 - little mischief b
유지훈 - THE kid, ad lib b
정영진 - fragile b
정현민 - little trouble, teeth b
장원준 - green b
윤선재 - perm b
최형준 - Beckham hair b
마윤민 - teeth b
이현정 - pigtails g
정승아 - cute g
채헤연 - pink, mushroom hair g
김예은 - cute, giggly g
김서현 - new g
김한희 - cute, one pigtail g
조유즤 - eyes g

M 10:20am
오명주 - sp class b
김자현 - cute, little g
김현민 - b
도민혁 - rambunctious b
임주연 - (playful feet) g
서준 - shy b
이예은 - cute, eyes, face g
서상진 - cute b
오창현 - military cut b
------------
방형원 - shy b
김긴기 - green coat b
신하경 - cute little g
강현명 - perm b
최세웅 - LOOKS like trouble maker (not) b
이도윤 - cute, little, little g
김수성 - looks balding b

M, T 10:45am
이소한 - cute playful g
유신영 - eyes g
오호영 - teeth g
신하현 - cute g
박소윤 - serious g
김예솔 - absent
박주혁 - cute glasses b
기도현 - Bootanka
송재민 - rambunctious b
오재성 - cry glasses b
윤대회 - facial expression, teeth b

M, T 11:10am
박준우 - trouble A LOT b
최지민 - twin trouble b
최지우 - other twin b
이식 (이세현) - cook's son, trouble b
최일규 - quiet b
이건은 - little cute b
한창희 - fun kid b
황예림 - not happy g
이조은 - cute, photo g
조수빈 - Santa Claus g
이난희 - glasses cute g
오소경 - SMART reader g
이자영 - chubby g

M, T 11:35am
심지수 - glasses, sad g
박도연 - pee girl
이윤서 - cute and playful g
장준희 - cute, pink, talkative g
이현지 - cute and SMART g
최진선 - glasses g
전강현 - small, cute b
임재민 - Spiderman b
최민준 - Spiderman's friend b
황희원 - cute, rambunctious b
최건 - badish b
김도헌 - perm bad b

M,T,W 1:50pm Special
박기완 - cute b I played w
최진혁 - smart, active b
유지훈 - ad lib b
장원준 - green coat b
한정우 -quiet, good b
정승아 - CUTE g
박병근 - plaid coat, crazy b
김민석 - perm b
최하늘 - cute, quiet g
이한영 - chubby b
김넉준 - trouble b

M, T, W 2:20pm Special
지원 - older, bigger b
소희 - cute, chubby g
도연 - food g
대환 - cute, small b
윤서 - cute, quiet g
정민 - teeth, chubby b
이삭 - cook's b
김도헌 - perm trouble b
강재욱 - small, smily b

T 9:55am
신송이 - cute, small g
정민 - smart g
조수민 - eyes, curly hair g
서하나 - cute, pigtails, playful g
양진영 - plaid today, big head b
박민준 - "panties" b
김 윤상 - small, black and eyes b
최호운 - green, chubby b
장현민 - special class trouble b
한정우 - cute kid, smily b
최대규 - ET-like head b
이한설 - small, small, b
박동혁 - rambunctious b

T 10:20am
이은민 - eyes, chubby g
김연주 - special class g
이은컴 - small, rambunctious g
이윤재 - pumpkin face, smily g
여우철 - glasses b
김도환 - bed head hair b
김도연 - cute, playful b
정승원 - round head, buzz cut b

W 10:20am
연희 - of course 연희
경서 - happy g
재륜 - shy, quiet g
선혁 - trouble b
두환 - mullet b
민성 - quiet, nice b
건영 - round head, eyes b
대운 - grown look b
진태 - head gear b
환석 - teeth b

W 10:45am
전나래 - chubby, glasses g
정연주 - bad teeth g
이지원 - cute, dyed hair g
강민해 - teeth, biter g
김하늘 - cute, eyes g
백주희 - leg braces, sp class g
김성훈 - perm, cute b
양해민 - looks like Tom b
김건호 - trouble, sp class b
유명환 - bigger, and eyes b
양지성 - smallest, round head b

W 11:10am (worst class of the week)
김주연 - pigtails g
현성희 - small, one tail g
임현희 - eyes g
박건하 - perm BIG trouble b
방지원 - special class, bigger
김도영 - eyes, teeth, trouble
이다혁 - good kid b
긴정환 - bad, bad, bad, trouble, rambunctious b

Well, that's everyone from the morning, for three days of the week. I also have 2-3 more special classes that happen on Thursday and Friday, as well as 3 classes I see every day for the after school elementary program (I know the names of all the kids in 2 of those classes because I teach them regularly, but the other 10 kids in the third class I only know 3 names). And on Thursday, I have 5 different story time classes with between 7 and 15 kids in each class. And on Friday, I go to another different school for 6 classes with between 15 and 25 kids in each class. Needless to say, I don't know even SOME of those names. I only see the Thursday/Friday kids for 20 minutes each week, and the whole time I'm teaching, not taking or learning names.

Now, adding that all up, I've got about 150 students JUST mornings, M, T, W. Include the extra 30 kids from the after school program each day of the week. Then add in the additional perhaps 20 kids I missed from the Thursday and Friday special classes, and we've got about 200 kids so far, just for M, T, W. Thursday's kids are approximately 5 * 10 = 50 extra. And Friday's kids are approximately 6 * 20 = 120 extra. Putting that ALL together, that's almost 370 kids each week, and taking away a few that I may have counted twice, and giving room for error, I see AT LEAST 350 DIFFERENT kids every week. Holy crap!

Well, I suppose it's a good thing that I FINALLY started to learn some names. Unfortunately, my boss just hired two new teachers who will take my place at at least 2 of these schools coming next month. It's not that I really mind that so much, but it's just seems like I've almost wasted my effort last week to record so many names when I won't be using any of those after February.

It seems like my boss is going to be putting me back into the University when that all starts up again, esp. since that is what my contract says specifically, however, after teaching solely kindergarten for the last 3 months, it really isn't so bad. Some of the kids are esp. troublesome, but at the end of the day, they are just kids. Anyway, I HOPE when my boss does put me back into the University that he won't give me a CRAPPY split shift again like last semester. Where I work a few hours EARLY in the morning, and then have a 4 hour break or so, and then work a few hours LATER in the evening.

I do like University classes because the people there WANT to be there, and are much more disciplined than the kids (and they just skip if they don't want to be there). But, I also like kindergarten, even if it is more challenging, just because it stretches me more, and makes me be creative, energetic, and like a kid, even on the spur of the moment. So, I at least hope that I don't lose my Friday school, I think I'm the only English teacher there, and that's where I REALLY shine!

The other schools have a multimedia format and computer discs, and story books with really only one way to teach them, so my creativity in those schools is limited by the material. However, every time I go to the other school, on Friday, I walk in with NO idea of what I'm going to do, and each week it is a different story and a different song. And I have to stretch my creativity to make both things equally interesting and entertaining for the kids, and they love it. The first class or two, I get used to the story and the song, and develop a style for the rest. The 3rd class is the youngest (3-4 years old American age, 5 Korean age) so I have to be more active there and simplify a lot, or I just lose the kids. After that, the next two classes don't have working CD players so I have to acappella the songs and I can add my own little "twists" such as speeding up or slowing down dramatically (and the kids LOVE faster and faster singing and actions). And by the time I hit the last class, I've already had a great day, so the last one is my best and most fun class.

Seriously, every time I finish the job there, even if I'm tired, or sick when I walk in, I feel like a million bucks when I walk out. So, if nothing else, I hope that I keep that school.

Realization

2007-02-06T21:35:00.000+09:00

I've recently come to the realization that I desperately need to plan my evening meal BEFORE evening these days. Especially with my new running program. After work, I run. After I run, I'm hungry. But the past two days, I've not done anything after the run, except write in my Marathon journal, and shower. When it comes to getting food together, half the time I don't know what I want, then I don't know what I HAVE that I could do, and I don't know what's CLEAN to cook in, and I don't know how long any given thing will take to make. I DO have a KIND of menu, and some recipes that I can bust out, but especially after the run, I'm just not in the mood to cook anything big. I'd rather just come home to something that's already hot, or really easy to just nuke in the microwave. So, I'm gonna have to plan something one of these days. I just watch too much TV. It's also what's distracted me from this entry for the last 30 minutes or so. But Bill O'Rielly on Oprah was interesting, and I really respect that guy's opinion. He's one of the few in this country who talks some sense, and isn't necessarily "PC." I hate PC.

Oh, and one more thing. Domino's Western Combi Pizza in Korea sucks! The crust is awesome, but instead of tomato sauce, it's like a nacho cheese sauce, GROSS!

Learned behavior, changed attitude...

2007-02-06T19:00:00.000+09:00

Something I read recently was about changing behaviors. It said something along the lines of, people think that behaviors are representative of attitudes. Like the attitude (rudeness, pessimism, optimism, love, focus) comes first, and the attitude dictates or creates the behavior that follows. However, what I read says that actually behaviors come first and we simply use attitudes to justify pre-existing behaviors. For example, a behavior of throwing your clothes on the floor after work is justified by the attitude of laziness. Laziness didn't come first, the behavior did, but the attitude justifies the behavior and in so doing, reinforces it.

Most people think that in order to change a behavior, you must change the attitude first. But IF attitude is only there to justify pre-existing behaviors, then attempting to change attitude first, and change behavior once the attitude is changed, is like treating the symptoms of a disease and not the disease itself.

How many times have you tried to change your attitude before changing your behavior in some way, only to be unable to change either? I've tried many times to change my attitude (laziness) first, so that my behavior would change in turn (and I would somehow become motivated). However, each and every time, the attitude creeps back in just as I'm trying to change it, and before I have any new behaviors in place to solidify NEW attitudes (motivation). However, what I was reading said that you must change your behavior FIRST and the attitude will follow.

For example, laziness again, let's say that I'm "lazy" and that I routinely throw my clothes on the floor, or don't clean, or don't do my dishes. I used to try to correct the attitude first, so I would try to motivate myself somehow, and that never worked, I never gained the appropriate motivation to get the things done. However, IF I would instead "JUST DO IT" and do the dishes, or hang up the clothes, and force myself into the new behavior without trying to change my attitude, and if I routinely forced myself into the behavior, then the attitude would eventually change, and the old behavior would be lost, because my new attitude about my new behavior would be too strong, and I would have essentially reinvented myself.

It seems to me that things like that routinely happen. For example, how does a pessimist become a pessimist? His attitude is not in place first to justify his behavior of anger toward things and people that he doesn't like. Rather, his behavior comes first. He routinely dwells on bad situations and things, and gets angry, and regrets. Behavior first. Over time, the anger comes faster and easier, (a learned behavior to a certain stimulus) and he uses his attitude (pessimism) to justify his behavior (anger). So, in order to change that, the behavior must be undone first, or a new behavior must come in to take the place of the old behavior, and ONLY THEN can the attitude (pessimism) be changed (to optimism) to justify the NEW, LEARNED behavior.

It seems to me, after all, that all behaviors, and habits are learned, and after thinking about it for some time, it does seem to me that attitudes justify behaviors or habits, and do come after the behavior is learned and firmly established.

Stop trying to change your attitude first. You want to be a different person? Change your behavior first, the attitude will follow. Stop treating the symptoms, and not the disease.

Pre Marathon Training

2007-02-05T22:44:00.000+09:00

So, I've decided to at least give things a go with the whole marathon thing. The actual race I would try to run happens June 3 on Jeju Island. I've never been there, and really would like to go because I hear it's a must-see in Korea, at least before I end my contract. AND, if I'm lucky, I'll be able to convince a few of my Korean lady friends to come down and watch me and cheer me on! How sweet would that be? To have people screaming for me as I cross the finish line, hahaha, just like old Track/X-C races.

Anyway, I've been reading my "Non-Marathoner's Training Manual" a lot lately, and some of what it talked about was polypropelene shirts (that take the water away from your body, esp. in winter to keep sweat from forming on your body), so I decided to go out and see if I couldn't grab myself a few of those. Well, I just so happened to stop by E-mart on a big sale day, esp. of things like this, so I picked up 2 of these shirts for $10 each (normal price in Korea on these particular shirts was $60) and I got another (with a little more color and character) for $28. In addition to this, I picked up some new running socks, that are really thick, and feel awesome on my feet. (Actually, running around Korea kind of sucks, because they make you take your shoes off at the entrance to anything, and so you are left wandering around in your socks. So far, I've ruined countless numbers (well, 10 maybe) but I still don't like buying new socks as often as I have to.) And, on top of that I got some sweet dark black corduroy pants for $5! Awesome, I've been looking for black, although I was hoping for jeans, but cords will do well enough I suppose.

Anyway, after all that, I was getting pretty excited for my running training to begin. (This time it MUST be all for fun, and I can't be as competitive with myself as I normally am, or I will just quit it again.) This weekend (using GoogleEarth) I traced a map of Jeonju and the major streets I will probably run along, as well as major destinations I'll head toward, and I used the GoogleEarth scale to estimate distances around town so that I can actually use the map, and the training schedule to adequately prepare for the marathon.

And actually, I am quite happy that I found this book, and the Jeju Island marathon (the entire course of it is along the coast. How cool is that!) Anyway, I am definitely looking forward to the next few weeks and months. I do still have a long time left in Korea, but this will help the time to fly much faster.

The only thing now, is I have to remember to do my online class, and I'd really like to continue studying languages. I just need to make a pattern or something so that the language learning can be structured and organized, and it also needs to be fun, or I won't do it either.

And I need to kill my TV, literally. It does have some good things on it, and there are some good times to watch it, but it does keep me from doing things that I should be doing, and the things I should be doing that I actually do, I don't do in a timely manner. Thanks to the TV, even the simplest task can become 3 times longer than necessary. However, last week, during my short breaks of 30 minutes between classes I did read (which was fun and encouraging to me, because I felt like I was accomplishing something worth while) and I ended up finishing two books last week, so it was nice.

That's all for now I suppose. Except for the fact that I've not posted in so long because I've not been to a PC room for well over a week, ever since my tonsil (right) got swollen (I think from the cigarette smoke) after 5 hours there last week. And therefore, I've not done any more of my online class either, and I've not done many more Internet things (including send in a resume for a job in Japan in Sept) that I've been meaning to do recently. And, back to the TV thing, my room's a mess, I've not cleaned it in well over a week, and just kind of let things pile up.

Ah, check out my marathon training blog at http://jmarathon.blogspot.com. I'll post to that after every time I run (and eventually record my distances and all) just to keep track of my progress. Out!

April 2nd? Marathon!

2007-01-28T23:47:00.001+09:00

So, that dream about April 2nd? I wondered about the significance eh? Well, I don't think that fate, or destiny, or any of that has anything to do with anything, I think that we create our own destinies, and create meaning within our own lives based on our own values and ideas.

That being said, I recently learned that on April 1st, in Jeonju (my city) there will be a marathon, and half marathon and 5km run. April 2nd just so happens to be the day AFTER...the recovery day.

Anyway, due to the fact that the runs are only 2 months away, I know that I will not be prepared for a full marathon by that point (plus, 26.2 miles? That just sounds CRAZY!! At ANY time!). However, today, on the Internet, I was browsing Amazon.com, and found a book called "The Non-Runner's Marathon Trainer" which had rave reviews, and features people who have never ran more than 3 miles at a time before, and who ALL, after the 4 months of training provided in here, FINISHED a marathon (not saying anything about their times).

Anyway, this book, coupled with the April 1st (and consequently April 2nd) dates, and my desire for some extra meaning, purpose, and especially some motivation toward exercise, I have decided that this is a good goal. I ordered the book, and will follow through with the training (I've never been good at creating my own training plan), and I WILL run a marathon at some point (they hold them in Korea quite often, I've heard of at least 3 since I've been here).

I WILL run a marathon, and complete a marathon. That's quite a goal to accomplish. You know less than 1% of the US population can say they've done something like that? Plus, with the discipline and lessons this will force into my life, I look forward to applying those elsewhere later.

Plus, just think about it. Aaron Snowberger: marathoner. Has a nice feel to it.

Who'd have thunk it?

2007-01-26T18:40:00.000+09:00

Who'd have thunk it? I'm in Korea. When I was just a child, who'd have thunk I'd be where I am now? Halfway around the world, with a little experience in 3 different cultures, countries, and languages. Reflecting back, I wonder what the steps were, small, or huge decisions, to bring me to this point....

I can't say I didn't come to Korea because of some of the influence of my Korean friends. That had at least SOME to do with it, although I CAN say with confidence that one or more GIRLS alone did not convince me to come for the simple purpose of trying to find a romance (although, granted a FEW of my friends here are foxes and tons of fun to be with, I actually prefer Japanese style, culture, and women). But anyway,

IF IT WASN'T FOR YoungJin's phone call (over an hour) in Daisuke's house in Japan one day when I was alone, applying for jobs in Japan, I never would have even considered coming to Korea.

Break that down, YoungJin and Daisuke. Here my path diverges, we'll take Daisuke's route first.

IF IT WASN'T FOR Daisuke, I never would would have been in Japan in the first place. Thanks brother!
IF IT WASN'T FOR Daisuke's damn broken laptop, and Keisuke's suggestion to come see me to fix it one Sunday morning, I never would have met, or befriended Daisuke in the first place. (And actually, if it wasn't for my family's generousity to keep Dai with us for the entire Christmas break, his family may never have accepted me in their house in Japan. But that's a side note, that may or may not be the case).
IF IT WASN'T FOR Shinze, I'd have never known Keisuke.
IF IT WASN'T FOR Resnet, I'd have never fixed computers.
IF IT WASN'T FOR Scott Phelan, I'd have never known Shinze (Scott's roommate).
IF IT WASN'T FOR Eric Christensen, and InterVarsity, I'd have never known Scott.
IF IT WASN'T FOR my change of majors from Architecture to Computer Science, I'd have never done Resnet.
IF IT WASN'T FOR my parents, I'd have never considered IV in the first place.
IF IT WASN'T FOR my parents, (and a scholarship offer), I'd have never declared Architecture in the first place.

Now we'll take the YoungJin route.

IF IT WASN'T FOR Jakeo, Cory, and Heejei, HyeSeung, and JuHae (girls from the previous BIP Seoul Women's University program) I never would have met or befriended YoungJin in the first place.

Regent.

IF IT WASN'T FOR Regent, I never would have met any of these people, because Regent introduced me to all of them.
IF IT WASN'T FOR changing majors to Computer Science I never would have been required to take a foreign language.
IF IT WASN'T FOR my language requirement and Katrina Reed (partially, her interest in China made me stop to think about what I really wanted) I never would have taken Chinese (I had actually wanted to study Japanese for as long as I can remember, it's always been what I wanted, now I don't know why I didn't, or why I'm sitting in Korea. Although, it's been a good ride so far, I think at SOME POINT, I will HAVE TO go back to what I was originally passionate about. A man can only wander so far from his destiny after all, at some point he has to wander back. But I can't help but think that all my previous experiences have helped prepare me for what is yet to come. Without them, I don't think I would ever have actually realized my dream (as of yet still unrealized, although far closer to achieving through my blunders and apparent missteps and lack of planning, than if I'd sat down and planned every step along the way)).

Anyway, here we diverge again, but only briefly, we also come back full circle to aforementioned situations.

IF IT WASN'T FOR Evie Reed, I never would have met her sister (I'm also thankful for how generous their entire family was to me for a while, and they remain generous to my family out of memory of me, nice).
IF IT WASN'T FOR InterVarsity, Scott Phelan, Tony Archer, I never would have met Evie, or become such good friends with her.
IF IT WASN'T FOR coming to Laramie, and my parents, I never would have done InterVarsity.

Chinese.

IF IT WASN'T FOR taking Chinese, I would have never done the study abroad in Shanghai for one month.
IF IT WASN'T FOR the study abroad in China for one month, I never would have worked so hard to go back to China, and found my brother and I and a friend, Nathan, English teaching jobs there for the month of July, 2005.
IF IT WASN'T FOR the English teaching experience that month, I never would have considered teaching in Asia again.

And here we come full circle again.

IF IT WASN'T FOR my time in China, and Daisuke, I'd have never thought it likely, probable, etc, that I would ever ACTUALLY GO to Japan.
IF IT WASN'T FOR my time in China, AND in Japan, I'd have never become so curious about Korea and so tempted to go there and learn about it.

And THAT is how I got here. Of course, unfortunately, of ALL the people listed here, I only regularly keep in touch with Scott Phelan, and Jakeo (MSN). I've called Daisuke a few times, and YoungJin as well, but the rest of the people almost slipped out of my life completely. Too bad. If only they knew what a significant impact they've all had on my life. If only I could tell them.

And here are a few more unfortunates about the whole deal:
I studied Chinese for 3 years, but now don't live in China, and don't look like I will go back very soon, and so may not become fluent in Chinese as I'd hoped.

I lived in Japan, and LOVED it, and it had always been my dream to learn about Japan, to learn Japanese, and to LIVE in Japan for an extended period of time. And now, I'm not in Japan, so I may not become fluent in Japanese as I'd hoped (although I do plan to go back and live and teach there for some time after my contract in Korea expires late this August).

I now live in Korea, but I'm not impassioned much by it. I came here with the specific purpose in mind that I could learn about the country, and learn some of the language (before I got too old, or committed to a girl, or content in one country), and then return to Japan (or China), but I've only slowly learned. I learn some of the history, and some of the language, but slowly. It's not like I'm really trying to learn about it, it's just that I kind of ABSORB SOME knowledge about Korea just by being here. But there is so much more I could do.

Regardless of all this, it seems the next place I am likely to be will be Japan again, for at least one more year. I read something online about Japanese robots (from their early beginnings, hundreds of years ago, until now) and it impassioned me to want to study robots, and in a country that is so "robot centered" in some ways. Therefore, I do truly want to learn Japanese, and go to a graduate school in Japan to study robots someday.

This doesn't help my other goal, of becoming fluent in Chinese, Japanese, and Korean much for the simple fact that Japanese in this case takes number one priority (if I am to study robots in Japan), besides that, Japanese has always been my passion, and Japanese people I've met are among some of the BEST people I've EVER met.

Chinese, obviously takes second place for a few reasons: because I've already studied it for 3 years, I've been to China twice, China is growing huge and likely to be a huge power (therefore someone who speaks Chinese will be highly desired), and the Chinese characters facinate me and are the basis for Japanese kanji, and nearly 70% of the Korean language (words).

And therefore, Korean takes third place in this whole thing, regardless of the fact that I'm living here now. In America, I was taught so little about Korea, except that the Korean War HAPPENED, and in SOME cases Koreans don't seem to know how to make their history "touristy" and so impassion people to want to study it. And although Korea is home to some of the best GIRLS I've ever known, that's just it. It houses some of the best GIRLS I've ever known. At the end of the day, is THAT REALLY my motivation? The GIRLS? No wonder I'm ready for a break.

Korea seems to hold the least passion, and the least interest for me. Don't get me wrong, Korea is a BEAUTIFUL country, and I absolutely LOVE living here! I wouldn't trade what I've got, or the choice I've made in a second. All I'm saying is, I can't picture myself dying here. I can't see myself staying that long.

Korea's hold over me is, in all actuality, MONEY. You can SAVE so much more money in Korea than you can in any other Asian country as an English teacher (and that is one of the biggest things I talked with my parents about (one of their biggest worries) when I decided to come here (they felt much safer letting my go to Korea, a Christian country where I could make lots of money easily and live comfortably, rather than stay in Japan, a non-religious country that one of the most expensive in the world. But I've never been one to want to live comfortably. I've never been so driven by money. I don't mind smaller things, living with less, living simply. In fact, sometimes I CHOOSE that path).

Japan is too expensive, and the conversion rate of Chinese money to US Dollars is such that you don't really send home that much money (although you can live like a KING in China because things are so cheap, and by Chinese standards you do get paid alot). And since money has NEVER been my number one priority, you can see why Korea's hold is not nearly as strong as it could be.

If money is the only thing keeping me here, I'll never be surprised to have left. Money doesn't bring with it a passion for the country, the culture, or the people. Money is only that, money, it is a means to an end, giving a person the ability to provide for themselves and their families. But so often, men are greedy, and money seems like an end in itself, bringing instant happiness just with the acquisition of more wealth. I move around so much, and have given up so many things that I cannot just sit on a mountain of wealth and watch it build. More than likely, I'll do something drastic, and give it all away, or just leave it on a whim.

So, you see, Korea and it's money, though a good experience, haven't captured my heart. Even with the girls I know, even as I'm with them, or in my class, or with my friends, my mind wanders easily, because my heart already has.

Because it's never been about the money...or the girls...it was all about the experience, the wisdom to be gained, and though it's not quite over, I can see already that I won't be staying...

At the end...

2007-01-25T23:18:00.000+09:00

At the end of your life, you never regret what you DID, you only regret what you had a chance to do and never tried. Well, unless you do something so incredibly stupid that you mess yourself or someone else up permanently.

I have to run tomorrow...well, at least wear my running shoes. After my last class on at my third kindergarten on Friday, I always start to walk back in the beautiful weather (which these days I don't seem to get enough sunlight anyway) and I always think "What a beautiful day..." I used to walk all the way home (maybe 3 km or more, well, it took 1.5 hours or more each time anyway, so probably farther than 3 km, it's also 4000 Won by taxi each time, so, I dunno) but since I started having to work in the afternoon, if I ever WALK all the way home, then I never have enough time for cooking myself lunch before I have to go right back to work. Plus running is easy, and I don't do it often enough. If I go at a slow enough pace, I'll get home with at least 1 hour left before work, and I won't injure myself or have any problems.

Well, I may ultimately decide NOT to run when I'm actually faced with the situation, but the last 3 or 4 weeks, I've had a really strong urge to do so, I've just always had on the wrong shoes. So, if nothing else, at least I'll wear the RIGHT shoes tomorrow...

As far as everything else is concerned...who knows?? I need to take some time to sit, and think and PLAN some things. This Saturday will be the first in a long time that I've not had ANYTHING to do, so I may take some advice and shut off my phone ALL DAY, and I may not talk to anyone for 24 hours to focus on my PLANS and PURPOSE.

Additionally, this is just something I was thinking recently. I'm an artist, and I shouldn't continue to put that aside. I also REALLY like drawing with marker, or big crayons, because with those things, you don't have to be precise, and you have to have a good idea in your mind before even beginning. You have to be able to take your mistakes and deal with them and change them on the fly, and you have to be able to be spontaneous in your art and drawing, planning some things, but just "BLINK" some other things, and you know instinctively if it will work or not and how to MAKE it work or not, whether to continue or end it. Additionally, anytime I draw in this fashion, I tend to bust something out in a quick period of time, and it usually looks really good.

Language is also kind of my thing, and though I'm also really skilled at English and learning other languages, and even marginally skilled at writing, I just can't get across certain FEELINGS (at least for myself) the same way as I can with some art. It's true what they say, that a picture is worth a thousand words. I should put my skills to good use, and rather than complicating things by WRITING so many words to plan things (although writing for release is rather nice) I should use my ART to make plans, to plan VISIONS. I will author and create VISIONS of the man I want to be, or the places I want to go, or the things I want to do with my ART. Then, I will truly have something to strive for.

And then, too, at the END OF ALL THINGS, I will have something to either look back on with fondness, or look back on with regret...

You can't reach your objective without knowing your starting point...

2007-01-24T21:15:00.000+09:00

This from a book I'm reading called "Instant Analysis" by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. An excellent read...

Quote
...You can blame anyone that you want for your life up until now. But where you go from here, who you become, is totally up to you. You can only assign blame to those who are in a position of power. And for the rest of your life, the power is yours, and the responsibility that goes with it. You are now in control and responsible for your own life. Your destination, your destiny, is in your hands...
...You're going to make some changes and set new objectives to make it even more successful. The first thing you may want to do is to take inventory...The good and the bad...
...Acknowledging who and where you are, your strengths as well as your weaknessses, is the beginning of any growth process. You can't change what you refuse to acknowledge even exists...It's the strong who can acknowledge his or her own weaknesses...
...You can't get to point B-your objective-without knowing where you're starting from, point A...
...your physical, spiritual, and psychological starting point...
End Quote

1. The things I like most about myself are...
-my general optimism and friendliness to all those around me, even strangers
-my encouraging personality and comments that people have commented on more than once
-my artistic, especially creative abilities and skills, developed and undeveloped
-my creative, curious mind
-my curiousity that keeps me seeking answers, and reading lots, and striving for better things
-my life away from America, so that I can struggle, and find myself in a relatively "unhindered" environment (it's almost like a young boy's journey through the wilderness alone. If he survives and returns, he is a man, and all those around him know and acknowlege it)
-my health
-my constant striving (even minutely) to improve or learn new things
-my passion and skills, abilities with learning language
-my passion for other cultures, and desire to experience other cultures

2. The things I dislike about myself are...
-my extreme lack of purpose, motivation, vision, drive, whatever
-my apathy
-my laziness
-my tendency to come home from work and flip on the TV and just sit there
-my tendency to come home from work and NOT leave the house again until the next morning
-my tendency to always check on the Internet for any random thing at any random time (no discipline)
-my Internet searches
-my inability to control my students many times
-my inadequacy as an English teacher
-my apathy toward exercise, whether it be running, lifting, taekwondo, whatever
-my desire to stay in my house ALL THE TIME where it's "safe" instead of getting out with other people and doing things, or even out on my own at times
-my LACK OF FOCUS at all times, toward any subject
-my "who cares" attitude when it comes to girls
-my deception (I have no intention to stay in Korea)
-my seeming lack of care for others who are half a world away (I rarely call, email, chat with anyone from America, even my family, or my Japanese brother)

3. My fears are...
-that I will remain apathetic, visionless, purposeless, and my mind, soul, strength, etc will rot away
-that I will never get back to Japan
-that I will never become fluent in Japanese
-that I will never become fluent in Chinese
-that I will never even give Korean a decent chance
-that I will never go to Grad school
-that I will never study robotics in school, or ever become a roboticist
-that my friends in America will forget me, or refuse to acknowledge me
-that my Japanese brother hates me
-that I will forget all those who helped me and loved me before
-that I've already pushed some people who were very dear to me away permanently
-that if I make some terrible choices that I'll never be able to repair a damaged relationship
-that I'll stay in Korea because it's easy, or I'm too lazy to try and go to Japan, or any other reasons
-that if I do go to Japan, it will become the same story there (though I highly doubt it, I AM Japanese at heart, or so I've been told, hahaha)
-that I'll never become a decent English teacher, or be able to control my students, or be able to teach them with efficiency
-that I'll continue to just EXIST, and I won't strive for learning new language, or new skills, or exercise

4. My hopes and dreams are...
-to become fluent in Chinese, Japanese, and Korean (I guess I'll have to give it a chance sometime)
-to become a roboticist someday, and live and work in Japan
-to have homes (or at least to regularly travel) between America, Japan, China, and Korea for business, or simply pleasure
-to EVENTUALLY have a family, but actually, to marry a Japanese, Christian girl
-to be FIT, passionate about my life and purpose, and to learn new skills every day
-to write a novel ANIME STYLE (I've got some ideas)
-to develop my own comic book about my life and adventures
-to continue to develop my own website
-to program robots!!!
-to get a six-pack, and regain a love for running
-to be flexible, be able to do continuous push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups
-to learn Tai-chi, Taekwondo (MAYBE, though I don't really have a passion for it)
-to learn breakdance, and be able to do at least a few moves, and walk on my hands, and do handstand push-ups at the minimum
-to do that thing Keisuke and Yuki can do (hold in an L, to a handstand)

1. Can I change these things?
-My dislikes about myself -> YES, ALL.
-My fears -> YES, ALL, except what other people may do in response to me

2. Can I respond differently to those things?
-What other people may do in response to me -> I CAN, it will take some thinking about HOW

************************************************************************************
Quote
...wake up your mental routine
...shake up your physical routine as well
Rearranging furniture often puts people in a better mood, because...
...changing your furniture temporarily jolts you out of your usual thought patterns...
...this is called a visual trigger...
...Interrupting ordinary patterns of behavior breaks the automation chain and allows for more rapid change in other areas of your life...
End Quote

Everyday pick one item from the following 5 things to SHAKE UP
1. Throughout the day, PAY ATTENTION to one aspect of your physical self.
2. Throughout the day, SLIGHTLY change one ORDINARY behavior.
3. SHAKE UP your environment at work/home. Move around or change things you see everyday.
4. OBSERVE how you do certain tasks, WITHOUT changing them.
5. DO what you don't usually do, and DON'T DO what you usually do. Take small actions that are inconsistent with your usual behaviors.

...this will give a heightened awareness of the unconscious patterns in your daily routine and forge a path toward change in all areas of your life.

************************************************************************************
Follow each step and read aloud #5 two times a day, until the behavior is modified (MORE ON THIS LATER, FOR NOW "JUMP START")

************************************************************************************
JUMP START

Quote
...You are going to do something that you would do only if you became fed up and were willing to do whatever it takes. That's the feeling you want to generate...
...What you do needs to be drastic in reason, not in action...

1. Every day for a week, wake up at 4:00am and stay up for five minutes while doing something toward achieving your objective.
2. Cancel a date with someone. Say that it's because you're working on your objective.
3. Unplug your phone for a day to work on your objective. Or leave a message on your answering machine and don't pick up the phone.
4. Don't speak to anyone for twenty-four hours. Spend that time thinking about your objective or visualizing your success.
...Or, in my case...
5. Go to a PC bang to do your work, instead of stay at home.
End Quote

That's all for now, about time for my dinner, but I feel a little more content with this progress than I did before. At least now I feel like I'm going somewhere, instead of just spinning my wheels in the mud...

A Caged Tiger...

2007-01-23T21:44:00.001+09:00

I should be in a PC bang right now, not my own room. I can never concentrate in here. But I came back to my room after work. That seems to be the big problem. Once I come back to my room, I tend to want to stay in my room. Then, it's just harder for me to go out. If instead, I made it somehow harder for me to come back home, until much later, when I could be far more productive at home and less distracted, then things would be much better for me in general. But as it is right now, I finish work, and come home, and laze around, rarely wanting to even get out of the house to go get something for dinner. What's wrong with me? What is my age again? Am I 5 years old, so that I can't leave the safety of my own home? Is my neighborhood so small these days that I won't even walk down the street for some chicken for dinner? The WORLD was once my playground, and now I find myself trapped inside a mental cage I've created for myself. I'm just like a tiger behind a glass window with people staring in at it in a zoo. I can see the outside world, but I've long since stopped trying to go out in it. What's the point? I might as well just pace around, be bored, and lazy and get progressively stupider inside this little cage of my own making. I've got so many goals...or at least, had. But these days, the small enclosure I find myself in (my mental cage) stifles all my efforts. What's the point of seeking to achieve something so big? Why do I over complicate things? I should really be in a PC bang right now. More focus, more drive, less, distractions. In those ways, I can now see how a small cubicle would be a good way to get some work done. I'm constantly distracted by the things I see in my room, even just out of the corner of my eye. What's a room good for anyway? Sleeping? Sleeping only? Reading, sleeping, studying? Or only TV, and boredom and laziness? KILL YOUR TV!! That's what someone once said to me. I'm starting to think it wasn't such a bad idea...but then how can I kill EVERYTHING ELSE that's distracting as well? And how on earth am I to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning? I have slept past my alarm, and through my first class at work more than a few times (this morning included). What's to prompt me to drag myself out of bed? And why do I always feel like I am literally DRAGGING myself out of bed? Can't I sometime just GET out of bed? Instead of DRAG myself out of bed? Where's my passion? Where's my purpose? Do I have too many? Is that why I can't find it? Is that why I can't focus? Too many passions, and things calling my attention to them? But how can I possibly focus on just one, or just two? Or am I overcomplicating things again? How can I simplify? But wait, my life's already simple isn't it? I'm just a tiger in a cage. Caged with my thoughts. And those are by no means simple...

April 2nd

2007-01-22T20:16:00.000+09:00

What's the significance of April 2nd? Or anything else in my crazy dream I had last night? I have no idea. Anyway, here it all is, it was so real I could have sworn it was actually happening to me as I dreamt it:

I woke up or something, somehow ended up at home in Rock Springs. I know before this, I saw two of my Japanese friends who I've not spoken to in a loooong time. The first was Daisuke, who I can say is still my bro, although I'm not entirely sure where we stand with each other.

Considering the fact that his family took care of and provided for me for well over a month in Japan and made me feel like a part of their family, and that his family has done the same for others, but they all screwed them, I'm not entirely sure how I can NOT be one of those others,
that has screwed his family.  I can honestly say that I'm not sure what is expected of me, or even
if anything is or ever was.  Also, there was a time at Dai's home, toward the end of my time there
that I started to feel quite alone, and unwanted, and forsaken (not true in the least, merely
psychologically trying times), and I left his home feeling in many ways bad for the way I left.  I
still feel some regret for the manner in which I left his home and his very generous parents, but
I'm not sure what to do about it, or how to proceed.  I didn't call Dai, or talk to him for a long
time afterward, he probably felt that I'd forsaken him.  And when I did call once from Nagoya it
was actually to get his girlfriend to help me with the next stage of my journey and not just to talk
to him, so I'm sure that didn't entirely smooth things over for me.  Since then, I've called him in
America a few (maybe 3) times in my entire 6 months of being in Korea.  However, I left Japan
for Korea and can't help but feel that that somehow reflected negatively on the time I spent in
Japan and at Daisuke's house .

Anyway, back to the dream. In my dream I meet up with Daisuke, and we are again in a similar situation to the one we had in Japan together, sleeping on the floor in some Japanese house and talking late into the night about this or that. I asked him when he was planning to come back to Japan, hoping it would be sometime in the summer. He confirmed my hopes and I asked him if I could visit him and his parents again in Tokushima for a while. He say "I don't think so." I said, "I don't mean to stay at your house, I'll get a hotel, don't worry about that, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you again. I just want to visit, to say 'Hi' and maybe have some dinner." He said, "I don't think it would be a good idea." And this is my own mental self reflecting back to the way I left Tokushima (I can say I was definitely experiencing some culture shock and home sickness at this point, and I left in a kind of desperate rush, or so it seemed at the time).

Anyway, analysis of this portion of the dream: I should probably call Dai. I've been meaning to for a long time, but I always end up nervous about how he might respond. I can honestly say that the worst thing that could happen would be something like in my dream, to lose a great friend. I remember when we used to talk about going into business in Japan together, starting an English company of some kind with an exchange of some kind between America and Japan. I still reflect on such talks and enjoy the memories, because they show a bonding that was meant to last much longer than simply my last year at college. I look forward to once again someday (hopefully) seeing Dai in a greater context (living in the same area, or at least country) and possibly working together, but who knows where anything will lead these days? I know I want to return to Japan, but for how long?

Anyway, dream message part two: I met up with Yoko Fujiwara, (who I've not seen or talked to in a very long time) and somehow, after talking to her for a while, it turned out that she had some kind of video tape from Yoshiko. So, we watched the video of Yoshiko (unclear of the context, or message) but it was obviously a personal message of some kind from Yoshiko who stood before a white background and addressed the camera as an old friend.

Analysis of this part: I've not seen Yoko in a long time, and I do still remember the time I spent at her home, her parents were also quite generous to me (as were all the parents, Yoshiko's, and Keisuke's when I stayed in Japan). And as for Yoshiko, she is working on finishing her graduating thesis on David Copperfield this week, and she sends me her work (in English) for proof-reading and editting. I had just finished talking to her about it last night before I had this dream. So, Dai, Yoko, and Yoshiko are all Japanese, and I stayed at their homes each for periods equally at least one week, and my time in Japan was most definitely the greatest traveling experience I've ever had. I'm looking forward to going back to Japan (Fukuoka) when I get a break, and I definitely NEED a break (I only got 3 days off for New Years and winter break). So, perhaps that is why I dreamt of my Japanese friends, and that brings me to part 3 of the dream.

As I said earlier, I woke up somehow in Rock Springs, with my parents. I was unsure of HOW I had arrived there, only that I was at home and relieved, at long last to have a bit of a break from work. After talking with my parents for a while, I was shocked to hear my mom say (when referring to my much needed break), "Well, it is nice that we'll have you home here until April 2nd..." After that, everything else just kind of fades away. April 2nd? That's 70 days away! How in the hell would I have EVER gotten that much time off from work? Then I started to wonder about my boss, and our relationship...Had I quit?

Anyway, analysis of part 3: Obviously, I need a break. And I need a change. Obviously.

As for the break and change, Chinese New Year is coming up on February 18 (and I get that Monday off) and I am planning to go to Fukuoka ALONE for 3 days or so, for a good trip and a time to recharge in Japan (even though my Japanese still sucks, hahaha).

And as for an even bigger change...I have always in every way intended to work in Korea for only one year. I knew it from the moment I accepted this job. Even finding girls to date, churches to go to, clubs to commit to, I know in the back of my mind that I'll only be here for 7 more months, and then I'll be leaving. I'm not here in Korea to make a career out of my English, at least not yet. There's more to see, and more to do, and I can't tie myself to a country that's in many ways like a bumbling adolescent, at least not yet. Maybe I'll come back some day, but when I'm forced to leave the country at the expiration of my visa, I have no intention to renew it. This in no way means that I'm intending to return to America anytime soon. I always told myself it would be a minimum of three years abroad or nothing. But, if I'm not careful, I suppose I will have to resign on in Korea if for no other reason than to avoid returning to America too soon. However, I did notice today at least ONE place in Japan that has posted a job opening for September 1, 2007. And my contract ends August 31, 2007. I think you know what this means...

But still...what's the significance of April 2nd? Why did my mom specifically name that date in my dream? Weird...

Bored of Everything

2007-01-21T15:32:00.000+09:00

Bored of Everything, by Ellegarden

Wake up, Stand up
I know but for what?
One thing I crave
weekends without computer games
Pull the trigger
and kill the zombies
Sorry, I'm done!

So many things i have let go,
No doubt i want to do something else!
i need to find something before im bored of everything!
So many things i left undone,
no doubt i want to be someone else!
I need to find something before i'm bored of everything!
before i'm bored of everything

Voicemail is full
i know she's calling at home
How much is my car
and how much is my gift
Pull the trigger
and kill the zombies
Sorry, I'm done!

So many things i have let go,
No doubt i want to do something else!
i need to find something before im bored of everything!
So many things i left undone,
no doubt i want to be someone else!
I need to find something before i'm bored of everything!

I still can't believe when you say its not true
i still can't believe when you say its not too late..
I still can't believe when you say its not real
i still can't believe when you say its not too late..

So many things i have let go,
No doubt i want to do something else!
i need to find something before im bored of everything!
So many things i let undone,
no doubt i want to be someone else!
I need to fimd something before i'm bored of everything!
Bored of Everything!

Too Many Thoughts

2007-01-18T18:30:00.000+09:00

I have too many thoughts these days...
Too many regrets...
I feel that my words are becoming just as jumbled as my thoughts...
I don't know what to write sometimes...
I don't know what to say...
I don't even know what I'm thinking half the time...
I have regrets, and I have goals...
But even those are getting jumbled together...
Apathy is overpowering...
Thoughts try to form, but apathy drowns them in a blanket of boredom...
Plans try to become established, but they can't even stand on the thoughts that formed them...
I'm on a one-way ticket to hell and back...
Some song lyrics...
One-way ticket to hell and back...
What is hell?...
How can I come back?...
I'll tell you what hell is...
Hell is apathy...
Lack of passion, lack of drive, lack of purpose...
Hell is coming home every night to a room that always needs a little cleaning and never gets it...
Hell is not knowing whether to drag your butt out of bed in the morning, or just lie in it...
Hell is arguing with yourself over whether or not to cook a meal, and then just deciding to skip it...
Hell is sitting...
Sitting and thinking...
Sitting, thinking, and arguing with yourself...
Arguing with yourself over whether or not this or that...
Whether or not this or that...
It doesn't matter what...
Clean your room...
Do the dishes...
Cook breakfast...
Exercise...
Take out the garbage...
Television is stifling...
My room is stifling...
Life is stifling...
Where is my real life?...
Where is my "snap!" and ACT?...
Perhaps it is my need for spontaneity that kills me most...
I could make a plan, I have before...
But I never stick to such things, because unconsciously, hell, consciously, I have a need for spontaneity...
I need to be able to see something important, and make a "snap!" judgement about it...
I need to be able to instantly weigh things in my mind and ACT without discussing with myself, without arguing with myself over anything...
It's when I think about things too long and hard that they become impossibilities...
It's when I give my mind time to undress the possibilities, that they become impossible...
If I had no time to think...
If there was only time to act...
If I could take into account all things in one glance and make the best possible assessment in an instant, and act on that assessment...
If I could only "Blink"...
"Blink"...
Just "Blink"...
Note to self...
Reread "Blink" book...

A General Letter to the Board of Education

2007-01-18T17:56:00.000+09:00

A General Letter to the Board of Education:

Dear Sirs,

I appreciate what you are trying to do...what you have been trying to do for quite some time...and that is to create a generation of, as you call it, "well-rounded students." I even support some of the areas that you emphasize, and I whole-heartedly agree that certain subjects, especially math, science, English, and history are necessary for a well-rounded student. However, I am afraid that we all may have overlooked the truth behind the term "well-rounded." I'm afraid that the term "well-rounded" has unfortunately been "rounded down" to include only education of the mind. Have we forgotten, or simply denied, that as human beings we are far more than just a mind. We are no more a walking computer than a computer is a living, breathing organism. I think it's time we stopped treating ourselves, and our children as if we were.

As human beings, there are at least a few pieces that we contain within ourselves, and inherently within humanity itself that the educational system, and parents, teachers, scholars, etc fail to remember, or simply overlook. We are equal parts mind and intellect, body, and spirit. I feel that it is time to recognize these addition parts of our own humanity, and begin to give them the respect, and attention they warrant. Why do we send our children to school for hours upon hours of book learning, and fail to see the importance of active learning, using our bodies, and even spiritual learning, religious training, and religious discipline? Is it any wonder these days that we have whole schools full of extremely intelligent students who can't seem to even find their way out of a paper bag, let alone hit or kick a ball, or make their way in society? I feel it is time that we stopped putting traditional educational book learning aside, and made way for a truly "well-rounded" educational system that includes 3 parts: intellect, body, and spirit. Otherwise, I'm afraid we are simply dooming ourselves and our children to a constant struggle to understand and learn to use the other two parts of our humanity that are so often overlooked.

As a wise man once said, "all the knowledge in the world counts for nothing if it cannot be translated into action." Nowhere is this more apparent than within our own societies, schools, businesses. Every one these days is knowledgable about a large number of things, not the least of which is diet, weight loss, and exercise, as well as sports rules, and games. However, who among these extremely "knowledgable" individuals can actually translate that "knowledge" into action? Look around us! Obesity is rampant, television, Internet, and video games dominate our time, and still apathy, boredom, and laziness pester us. In fact, I would dare say that such things are at an all time high. How can they not be? When we are content to watch a "digital projection of our mental selves" play out on a screen those things that we would very much like to learn to do ourselves, how can we not get bored with reality? And where is our discipline, our spirit, our passion, to get out and actually learn such things for ourselves? Oh, wait, that's right. We never developed our spirits, our passions, our discipline in school. And what of our natural energy, and drive, and stick-to-it-iveness that would come with exercising our bodies? What energy?

The television sucks all such energy from our systems. We become content to watch other people struggle with the very things we wish we could struggle with ourselves. And if we ever do break away from the television trance to attempt to tackle such obstacles ourselves, we have no idea where to start, because we've never practiced any skills in our own bodies. We've only attempted math problems, and written poetry, and looked up historical facts in encyclopedias for tests. Where does such book learning translate into real world knowledge? Much of this is quite good for discussion, philosophical and the like, but when can I learn to ACT? I know how to think, how to sneak by with the bare minimum requirements, I know how to cheat the system, I know how to listen to those in authority above me and do what they ask, what they require, and do it well. But when will I ever learn to think for myself, or act of my own accord? When will I learn to make plans and keep them? When will I learn to MOVE INSTINCTIVELY? When will the connection between my mind, my body, and my spirit move in connection with one another? When will I be whole? When will my knowledge translate into action? When will all my book learning be put to good use?

Sincerely sir,
Jekkilekki (once again, your unconscious)

My apathy is killing me!

2007-01-17T20:04:00.000+09:00

My apathy is killing me! I sit now in a PC bang in South Korea typing this, as just simply going back to my home would only sink me further in my own slouch of boredom and apathy. With some good tunes, in a decently lit, set up PC room, away from my TV, or my bed, or my books, or just my FLOOR, I find it much easier to focus on a particular task. Even though the Internet itself is one of the most time-consuming, and useless things I do in my own room on any given day, just the opportunity to be OUT of my own room keeps me more focused on the things I really want to do on the Internet. To stay in my own room is to invite the PIRATES of progress.

I had such lofty goals for a while. But by staying in my own room where things inevitably get messy, and goals, tasks, and whatever else pile up, I find that I have more trouble just trying to keep up with those tasks that "pile up" that I have no time to actually pursue any goals I may have had. Of course, now that I'm away from that, I have more ability, perhaps not ability per se, but focus, to do, to plan, to achieve. I do believe that I will have to begin bringing my study materials to the PC bang for the online class I'm taking. Otherwise, I think I shall never finish it.

As far as goals are concerned, I've not had much time to look back on 2006, and forward on 2007 to set other goals since a friend of mine came and visited me for 2 weeks in Korea. During that time, we traveled quite a bit in the country, around Jeonju, Busan, Daejeon, and Seoul, and hiked 2 different mountain fortresses. But now that I've got a little extra time in the evenings, I find that I still can't quite bring myself to get anything done IN my room. I haven't even finished cleaning from when I rearranged everything earlier last week.

Anyway, as far as 2006 is concerned, it was a great year. Some of the biggest highlights were:
0. Finally graduated University, after 6 years, and an ALMOST non-passing grade in a class I've already taken.
1. Traveled abroad to Japan and South Korea
2. Learned 3 new alphabets, Katakana, Hiragana, and the Korean script, Hangul
3. Learned "survival Japanese" and "survival Korean" so that I could fairly easily travel the countries, order food, etc, etc.
4. Learned that what they say "just be yourself" really works, and found it surprisingly easy to get dates once I really started doing that.
5. Started learned boxing, and healthy dieting, lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks (of course since have gained it back, unfortunately)

And as far as even farther past is concerned, I was thinking today of the times in my life that I was the happiest, healthiest, and most content. These include:
1. When I really PUSH myself toward something, and am able to stay focused, such as:
1. Cross country training (with a team, I loved training, the running was nice, but the TEAM is what I loved)
2. IVCF Band member, and Bible study leader (back in the day when I was playing trumpet in the band, and leading a study I really felt connected with people, and the supernatural)
3. Boxing training (eating right, 6 small meals a day, working up a sweat every night, amazing)
4. Studying Chinese, or even my brief stint with Japanese (when I push myself to learn language, even slowly, and am able to use the new language more and more on a daily basis, it drives me crazy. I love to watch and listen to things in the new language and pick up more and more words all the time. Unfortunately, I've not given Korean enough of a chance yet, although the travel to Busan and Seoul with Thomas by ourselves really helped me with the alphabet more than I expected. I've ALMOST got the spark for Korean now, but not quite. Of course I still love Chinese and Japanese, and REALLY MISS the Chinese characters (Kanji, Hanja). It's just even harder to try to divide my attention between three languages at one time)
5. My Fiction Writing class last semester at school (I wrote some SUPER things for that class! Things that I'd love to go back and rewrite, or expand on! I just have no GOALS, no DEADLINES, and no one PUSHING me except myself)
6. Currently, I read alot (this isn't so much a past thing, but something that I'm really enjoying now. I had forgotten my love of reading, and it's nice to rediscover it. Unfortunately, I just don't have the time for all these things at once)
7. When I made JUST AN AVERAGE DAY (Procrastinator Pictures first feature length production. It was great to know in my mind exactly what I wanted/needed, and be able to do it, and put it together like I wanted. Honestly, if it wasn't for the other people in that production, the whole movie may never have been finished. THEY were the ones who pushed me for a premiere date. So then I HAD to finish editting the movie. I tend to start something full force, full swing, with lots of enthusiasm, but somehow, over time (a relatively short time usually) I lose the motivation, and quite often never even finish what I had such a passion for at first. How can I MAINTAIN focus and passion? Am I ADD? ADHD? Caffeine does sometimes seem to put me to sleep....)

Looking forward to the future, 2007, now, and some of my goals remain (actually most), such as learning Japanese, Korean, and Chinese (I eventually want to be fluent in all three), as well as going to the gym and working out, possibly Taekwondo, fiction writing, trumpet playing (if I ever buy a trumpet here), learning guitar, and of course ROBOTICS...

I would have to say that the BIGGEST goals in my life at this point, that I've been thinking about for some time now would be:
1. To be a roboticist someday, somewhere
2. To become fluent in Japanese, Korean, and Chinese, and live in one of those countries, and travel between all three countries in order to keep up with the languages

I just don't know HOW to set realistic goals for myself (most goals I set end up being TOO lofty, TOO enthusiastic, and I quickly lose steam to meet those goals), and I don't know how to make myself a PLAN that I actually STICK to. If other people (friends, professors, coaches) are PUSHING me to do something, to meet some goal, I ALWAYS make it. But when it's ONLY me pushing me, I have a hard time accomplishing anything. I can't push myself nearly as hard as others push me, or seem to push me.

So, for now, I'm leaving 2007 open, as I give things more time, and thought, and hopefully, when I return home here fairly shortly my motivation will not completely die. I expect to leave shortly, because a few Korean guys seem to want to use my computer so that they can all sit near each other to play some game. Well, at least the one guy standing over my shoulder talking to his two buddies on either side of me gives me that impression. Not one to be too intimidated by such things, it's still much harder to concentrate on my own thoughts when someone else is speaking. And I should wrap this up. I've not journaled since Japan though. Almost 6 months ago, so I'm FULL of words, thoughts, things, that need to be said and written.

One thing I'd seriously considered doing was taking one full day off every month (some Saturday) and going back up to Namgosa fortress above Jeonju for a hike and some time AWAY from the city. Anyway....

I've got pirates!: A Letter

2007-01-16T16:51:00.000+09:00

This is so much more interesting to read if you use a crappy pirate accent (just like I did when I taught English class this afternoon! Woohoo!)

A Letter to the Master
on behalf of the oppressed people of THOUGHT
within the land of THE MIND

I've got pirates! Bloody pirates! Pirates could happen to anyone... They set sail in their tall ships with their white sails, and arsenal of friendly flags to catch any number of unsuspecting merchant vessels off guard, whence hoist their black flag, loot, pillage, burn and plunder, and act in a generally unsavory manner until nary a soul remains standing in opposition to their takeover.

Given enough time, and enough takeovers, the remaining few merchant ships quickly lose heart and turn tail when any other ship approaches. The father country of the merchant ships loses heart just as quickly. The economy suffers, due to lack of international trade, or even its own fishing ability. Would-be merchants, students who study in university and whatnot, give up their high hopes to be traders and fall away from their studies into lives of gambling, drug addiction, prostitution, and many become pirates themselves. Who can deny that piracy is a life of fortune?

Praying on the weaker, smaller ships, bloodthirsty pirates seem to spring up from the depths of Davey Jone's Locker, and before anyone is quite aware of what is happening, a new government firmly establishes itself on the yet-existing old. It is a government of fear, and it rules not so much by threatening the common existence of the general population, but simply by keeping them caged.

The pirates no longer bother to conceal their black flags behind the flags of friendlies. Friendlies have long since left these waters. The Pirate Alliance has been formed, and the black ships surround every port city of the country, with Jolly Rogers waving triumphantly in the sky.

We can't build a navy to attack the pirates. They destroy any new ships we try to build, and have even gone so far as to poison the water and contaminate the foods down at the docks. The citizens have begun to move farther inland and develop small pockets of resistance against the pirate scourge, but even that has proven to be worthless. A string of pirate executions of the leaders of the resistances has taken place over the last few weeks and months as the other citizens, afraid of what the pirates may or may not do to them, turned them in.

The citizens themselves have begun to question the need to rid our land of the pirates as well. The pirates aren't necessarily barbarians, except in the fact that they crush all resistance against them, and they prevent cross-country relationships and trade. Of course, the pirates can't cut off all sources of information from the outside world, that would be preposterous. But what little information does leak through the pirate blockade in no way helps our situation. The citizens have begun to grow so accustomed to the mundanity, that they are becoming apathetic in all other areas.

What we so desperately need at this time is a hero to stand up and give meaning to our people once again. Or at least some loud thunderclap of awakening within the citizens of this country as to enable them to once again stand on their own two feet in defiance of the pirate empire, and reclaim some of that lost meaning for themselves. I'm afraid without one of these two things, the people of this land will only grow more apathetic, making smaller, and fewer stands against the pirates, as more and more of the citizens join their cause, until at last, either the land is lost, or destroyed through negligence.

I for one have no answers, but I know that something must be done. It is as imperative for this generation, as for all future generations. If the pirates are not struck a heavy blow shortly, they will only grow more bold, until they invade the land as well as the water.

On behalf of the the great name of this land,
yours truly,
ex-Pirate,
Jekkilekki

(Now, in case you have NO idea. Pirates are rogue thoughts, or bad habits (Internet, TV) within my mind that have essentially taken over (i.e. what do I do as soon as work ends? TV/Internet). My subconscious (Jekkilekki) can remember a time of prosperity (good habits, achieving goals, etc) but the citizens (thoughts) of my country (mind) are becoming far more apathetic, and although they too can remember the good times, there is no drive, no passion, for ANYTHING at this time. They seem far more content to gain info from the outside world and just roll over and die with it and give in to the pirates (Internet, TV, habits), than to actually act on any new knowledge (resist the pirates) and interact on the global market (get off your butt and DO something!))